Back to basics

I’m in a challenging spot. I’m low on energy and my therapist says I’m low on resources because I’ve pushed away the parts of me that know how to cope in new, healthy ways.

So we’re using old ways: OCD, anger and self-punishment.

OCD sees the out-of-control world (our spouse is sick and we’re stepping up to shoulder a bigger load than we’re comfortable with) and responds by making arbitrary rules to follow. These are the compulsions, also called rituals. We engage in delusional thinking, too, often in which we’re a victim or perpetrator. That’s a dangerous by-product of trauma.

Self-critique is high. Automatic. And I’m trying to notice in order to soften. Not to add a layer of judgment. And it’s a challenge.

Fog soup is how our brain feels.

Meditation is helping some. And I need basics now: be present, use senses, name feelings, focus on the breath.

Don’t try to take steps forward while in crisis, says therapist. Eat, nap, care gently for self. Ask internal adults to parent internal kids soothingly. Few words. Mostly deeds: cuddles, warmth, food.

Keep it simple for now. Go to therapy. Trust that no feelings are final. These clouds will pass, and their rain will help seeds grow later.

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