Dare to connect

We have written and either not posted or posted and deleted several posts these past two weeks. We haven’t been willing to risk vulnerability.

Let’s face it: self-worth is challenging no matter how few followers one has.

Our Younger Child told us popularity in school is gauged easily by number of followers on social media (insert barfing emoji). We don’t seek fame or popularity. We seek validation.

We’re complicated so that we can’t expect validation in life much. Therapists usually validate or mirror and reframe. Spouse often validates. We confide in no one else except when Children are present and we can’t hide an obvious emotion. Even then we’ll lie about the cause to insulate them.

We’ve have never acknowledged suicidal ideation to Children. We don’t want to burden or worry them or encourage them to emulate. We rarely mention SI to spouse unless she needs to know for our safety or for validation at how challenging is this journey.

Living as a multiple, you, the valued reader, may not be able to validate for us. Suicidal ideation you may understand better.

We’re framing it currently as “be dead” ideation–as in, maybe it’ll just happen. Don’t want death, or we’d be dead right now. Want much less suffering.

We’re working on it, too. Brain is rebelling. Too much activity inside. So we’re looking at our phone even less. Gave up for now the Variety and Sports (the only sections of the newspaper we had been reading). We’re attempting to be more deliberate in thoughts and actions.

We’re battling to keep a water pipe from freezing. That extra stress doesn’t have much space to occupy in a maxed-out brain, so either we snap (back to in-patient care) from the ongoing worry or we try to accept we’ve done all we can; put it down and be in another moment of not-worrying-about-pipes.

It was literally -28 Fahrenheit this morning and will be at least that cold tonight. Windchill was lower than -50 Fahrenheit (-45 C), and our therapists have shown up all week! Even though schools are cancelled, mail service was canceled, grocery stores are closing early.

We are so grateful for caregivers whose lives allow them to show up under difficult conditions.

Daylight increases greenhouse effect so that pipe temperature is above 40 after getting down to 34. Whew! Now we have to do it again all day and night: drip faucets, run space heaters, put it down, don’t obsess and catastrophize.

Do our best to be here typing, be in therapy during therapy, attend to the body’s needs (our punishing part attempted to withhold food yesterday so that the part had something to control). Not-ruminating is a victory.

By the way, our neighbor boiled a pot of water and threw the water outside, and it vaporized into a cloud and blew away. It’s that dang cold.

Here’s the car-mometer from therapy this morning.

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