I fell

I feel so alone. People want to spend time with us–good-hearted people. We have too much shame. We switch me’s a lot and don’t usually notice. Right now we’re switching a lot and do notice. It feels like a broken elevator: ears ringing, sounds dulling and blending, forehead thick and like the elevator floor buttons lighting up at random as the elevator zooms to that floor and then to the next.

It helps to name it. Then we can get to 10,000 feet and get some perspective. We don’t act 47. We act 6. We act 12. Sometimes 16.

It’s icy up here in the Northland. We fell on the ice and hurt our wrist. It’s the same one we broke falling off a bed last spring. We aren’t going to that doctor unless it doesn’t get better.

It’s hard to be the hurt-me’s at the doctor because we try to hide pain.

We used to get put to bed by a television. That was our only nighttime nurturer for many years. M*A*S*H was on most nights. Not a kids’ show. We liked the little man with the soft voice and the teddy bear. The man who dressed like a woman was funny. When we got older, we learned he was trying to get out of the military by being crazy. It doesn’t seem crazy today to dress a different gender. Back then it must have been different.

Whenever we saw the doctor drink booze from his still, we wondered what it would taste like. We always thought “booze” sounded brown, but his booze was clear like water. Maybe with an olive in it. What a strange drink!

I don’t usually write our blog and today I am. My wrist hurts today and it’s probably not broken so no need to worry. I can write with my other hand. It’s mostly readable. The trick is to lift your hand and move it to the right every 4-5 letters or so. Then your letters and words are spaced somewhat evenly.

It takes longer to write with your non-dominant hand, which gives you more time to think. I wish we took more time to think before we reacted and talked. I wish everyone did it that way. Sometimes we threaten ourselves to not talk anymore because the words get panicky and angry so quickly. Do you know what I mean?

It’d never work! We’re a teacher at heart, so we talk too much with people. Mask the pain and shame with teaching or jokes.

Since we hurt our wrist, how were we going to cut veggies for our lunch? We used our teeth and bit tiny bell peppers to pieces and sautéed them! We did it weird and funny. We took a video of it and watched it a bunch of times. It was hilarious! Does it sound funny?

We like the birds. We feed them. They keep coming. Don’t get sick, little buddies. Don’t freeze in the cold drizzle.

Here’s a sunset from last week. We watched it for a long time. Even in the city, you can sometimes see the whole sunset. Specially if you quiet down long enough to use your eyes to listen to the setting sun. It purrs with contentment. You can talk to say, “Hey, Loved Ones, look outside!” And then when they do–and they say, “Wow!”–then you feel proud, like you made it yourself because if you hadn’t been looking and took the energy to share it, they never would’ve seen it.

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