Perfectionism is using up life energy

It’s OCD. Every decision is an attempt at optimization, perfection, economy.

Don’t crack the egg for the pancake batter until the pan for the fried eggs is heated or you’ll have to wash hands twice and crack eggs twice.

Who cares? They’re fucking eggs!

You can’t use another knife to make this meal. You already used a knife and you put it in the dirty sink. You should have saved it to use again. Inefficient, bad for the environment. Stupid you! You get no more knives.

Don’t use too much soap. Only wash the dirty parts of your fingers or you’re doing it wrong. Don’t waste the water. Hurry up! The sausages will get burnt if you don’t turn them. The water is getting low; refill it.

This is all in the span of two minutes or less. All internal dialogue, though sometimes we talk back out loud or whimper. We are so tense that our muscles ache.

We need to fucking breathe.

Our method is to force air out on the end of the exhale by sucking in our abdomen. That frees us up for a deep in-breath. Then we exhale through pursed lips as if we’re blowing through a straw so that the exhale is longer in duration than the inhale. This starts to get our breath back.

This does nothing to quell the cause of our stress. We went to an OCD specialist a few years ago. He helped us be less afraid of germs. We can use door handles now, touch things.

Maybe we can get help again. It is exhausting to have these thoughts continually. It’s a kind of prison. We don’t make it to 2 pm without exhaustion and a frazzled mind. Scared. Cowed. Defeated. And then there is dinner to cook…

Thank you, OCD, for trying to keep us safe from alternately demanding and neglectful caregivers. You like control. It feels safe to you. We have more resources now that the body is grown up. Our current family doesn’t do those judgey things. They know already how imperfect we are. They accept us.

13 thoughts on “Perfectionism is using up life energy

  1. You have good awareness and fight for your wellbeing

    I am proud of you

    Wish I had a solution for you

    Focus, meditating short times everyday let me escape my torrential thought pattern.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well yes, an epic journey starts wit an idea that moves the body to action

        Purpose keeps the journey alive

        Start with three breaths. Inhale, pause, exhale pause,

        Master three and enjoy it immensely.

        Reward yourself and know you are doing your best

        That’s all we can do

        There is no failure if we do not judge.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Meditation is just expanding those three breaths to,four then five.

            It is simple, concrete, repetitive and immediate

            Awesome power is available if you keep practicing some everyday

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I try to embrace the idea of perfectly imperfect – that the really good stuff lies in the imperfections that make us the unique humans that we are. I’m very confident that you’ll be able to get on top of this. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Admitting, “We don’t know,” feels like treason to survival. But that’s an old script from when we stopped trying to live, when we were surviving.

      There is much we don’t know. We are imperfect. We make errors daily. Because we are human. “We are all one,” therapist told us today. Perfectly Imperfect. We are glad we are part of you ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Meditation/Mindfulness works of focus, then to use that focus to accept everything about ourselves right now.

    The perfect, the imperfect, the great and the lousy

    The losses and the wins

    All that does not matter except to the ego or Egos we created.

    Wellbeing and happiness occur when thoughts have cleared and we enter the present moment.

    Those are words but to experience it, would change your paradigm

    We do not need to do anything to be happy

    Happy does not exist in the future and the memory of me being young and a pro jock sure is a terrible substitute for right now.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It is true, it is our true nature

    We all are in the journey together

    Our goal is to be in this moment as much as possible free of negative thought and all judgment

    Judgments are the prison. Thoughts the bars

    Liked by 1 person

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