Live Updates: College Student Washes Clothes

In a remarkable turn of events reminiscent of the Moon Landing and the first circumnavigations of the globe by sea and air, local college student Older Child reportedly washed a pile of dirty laundry last night for the first time since beginning college more than four months ago.

“Well, yah, I was running pretty low on socks,” said the obviously proud student residing in the dormitory of a bucolic college campus situated between farm fields and an upstart yogurt plant. “I had plenty of underwear, since I brought about sixty pair with me to school.”

While Older Child’s stunning achievement marks a new beginning on the journey to adulthood, an in-depth investigation revealed this is not the first time Older Child’s clothes have been cleaned.

“I brought home all my dirty laundry, which is every single item of clothing I own, plus my one bath towel that I used the whole semester and my bedding, for winter break. I put them in the basement on the tenth day of winter break, and when it was time to go back to school, they were miraculously washed and folded. They even smelled good!”

After reporters on the scene confirmed that Older Child had, indeed, washed clothes for the first time, the parents broke down in tears according to eye witnesses.

“They always knew Older Child possessed the ability to figure out the one-setting washing machines provided with free, unlimited usage at the college dormitory,” a friend of the family reported. “When they heard that Older Child’s portable drying rack was housing wet clothing and not being used in lieu of a hanger and closet for Older Child’s winter jacket, they knew they had raised a scholar!”

Older Child eschewed the labels of “highly motivated” and “newly independent” to describe Saturday night’s astounding achievement. “Anything to avoid studying for Econ,” Older Child said and winced visibly.

While the single-cycle washing machine provided an ample 55 minutes of study time for the lone load of laundry Older Child completed last night, security camera footage in the dormitory confirmed that Older Child browsed Instagram and witnessed the final minutes of a decisive victory by West Ham over Norwich City on ESPN9.

As reporters crowded around Older Child early this afternoon, still in bed, the dorm room air thick with humidity from drying clothes, Older Child denied any urgency in completing the homework due Monday. “I’ve got plenty of time, and I’ve already got plans after lunch,” Older Child said and glanced wistfully over one shoulder at the roommate’s bong.

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