In therapy earlier this week, we were triggered/moved with very, very deep emotion and instinctively got up to seek a hug from Therapist. T said, “No.” And we crumpled to the ground and sobbed.
The denial of contact felt like the parents’ denial of nurturing every night of our childhood. The recognition of the pain was instantaneous.
During childhood daytime hours, we received meals and affection and love and nurturing and indifference and no oversight and threats and violence and exposure to pornography.
Night was total. At night, we were dead to them.
We don’t know which came first, being sexually abused by non-family members in our home or the inability to sleep at night due to safety concerns. It really doesn’t matter since they both occurred, and causality does not assist our healing at this point.
What matters is that this nighttime neglect–which also turned into physical abuse if we persisted in trying to meet our needs for nurturing–was triggered in therapy and also not met.
This may be a limitation with the therapeutic model. T is allowed to set personal and professional boundaries. “You may not touch me.” “I’m worried X will lead to Y.” “I don’t want to lose my license.” These were real concerns alive in T.
And T said something that further triggered us: “I don’t wan’t us to reenact your sexual abuse.” We took those words and reminded ourself we are dirty, disgusting. Of course she doesn’t want to hold us. We are defiled.
There has to be literature about this.
So we just read a journal article by Susan Lord who treats a client who experienced childhood sexual abuse. (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15228870802103671)
“‘I feel bad. I feel like I am made up of badness and anger.’ Katie [the client] says that she feels dirty, bad, and ashamed of what has happened to her and of the person she fears that she has become. She believes that she caused the abuse, and this contributes to a sense of shame, low self-esteem, and self-loathing that interfere with her capacity for authenticity and intimacy. She is afraid that, if they get to know how bad she is at her core, people will not like her. She is often angry and controlling with me and with others in her life, which seems to serve the function of regulating an optimal distance for her. It also helps her to feel in control of her life, while maintaining her isolation and preventing change from happening. The change that is necessary here is an organic one that requires open interaction with another whom she cannot control.”
Do you see our dilemma in not receiving a hug? Can you understand T’s dilemma? Therapy triggered one of our Traumas. We reenacted the trauma with T. Now we are reTraumatized.
The article asserts that Trauma must be reenacted in therapy for healing to occur. It must. Not, “it might happen.” It must happen.
There must be violence, it says.
But violence begets violence. hatred never ceases hatred but by love alone is healed.
Ugh
Here is how to move forward: we must be the one to be there for ourself, ultimately. We are crying out for a parent who cannot come now to nurture Little because that was the past. We must be the one to comfort ourself eventually. That is the future. We have to learn it. We will be in pain as we learn to be our own support. We must achieve an internal locus. We cannot persist in looking for outside entities to fill our void. The void cannot be filled by external acts. That window closed with childhood. And still we need community. To not be alone. To be metaphorically held now as we learn.
can we willingly embark on the violence of healing violence?
Sending an abundance of hugs in support of the plan to move forward in the direction of being there for yourselves.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yah. Seems like they aren’t mutually exclusive. We need hugs to get there. Thank you for your support 💕❤️
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤️
LikeLike
Sounds so painful, to be refused a hug even as yous respect T’s boundaries. So brave to ask and how painful to be rejected. I felt I was too disgusting to touch, so a closing hug is allowed. High fives in big moments too. But no other touch, however grounding or comforting it might be, however light. I believe we need to be shown care from others so that we can self-care.
I believe all humans have needs for certain kinds of touch. Perhaps a massage, a comforting or affectionate hug from a consenting adult friend. It doesn’t replace the yearning for T’s touch, but it does soothe the ache a little. I know it’s different, it’s not T’s and thats what the Littles (and perhaps Middles?) want
LikeLiked by 2 people
We could go mad replaying it. We have been. We’ve been dissociation and ruminating. So now we’re trying to feel the emotions. The parental neglect. Just feel the sadness and rejection and try to keep Little alive and be available to hold Little if we can learn how and Little will allow it. Littles don’t trust Bigs. They trust Middles. Maybe Middle can help. Glad you said that about Middle. Thanks, skinnyhobbit 💕💕
LikeLiked by 2 people
Hugs to them all if wanted ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wanted!!!! Thanks❤️💕
And we talked in therapy about middles helping bigs to help littles
LikeLike
I’m glad ❤❤ All the hugs ❤❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
Virtual hugs to all of you 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. This is a challenging time. We are trying to use all our skills. Your support means so much
LikeLiked by 1 person