creative vs delusional

Love gets confused. We forget how Older Child is related to us. Some of our me’s see Older Child as our parent, some see Older Child as our sibling, some as our friend, some as our offspring

This awareness is itself startling and dispiriting. If we can notice and not judge, maybe we will have more options

This happens to a lesser extent with Spouse and an even lesser extent with Younger Child

Last evening, we could not recognize Spouse. Whose face is that, we wondered

We are married?

Then we feel very scared, alone, and ashamed

We are trying to be quieter, to take up less space, lest we commit an egregious boundary violation and create more shame

T-1 won’t see us in person. We tried so many ideas. T-1 just has so many objections/barriers. So we will not have therapy this week. This is the first time in 5.5 years we have canceled on T-1 because we do not want to work with T-1. We are grieving the relationship

After negotiating, T-3 agreed that we can park our cars next to each other and hold therapy on the phone while we look at each other. It was the only way we can conceive to attempt to get our needs met for connection. We give T-3 much gratitude for trying to work with us

We are so nervous that we feel sick. So much wants to come out so that we can get pent up therapy needs met

Do you have any other ideas for creative ways to get therapy other than video?

We are trying to find out if Spouse can meet some of our needs for connection. We are trying Nonviolent Communication and patience in our talking with Spouse

11 thoughts on “creative vs delusional

  1. That sounds very scary. I’m very proud of all of you for being willing to write about it. 💕

    That’s unfortunate about T-1. I’m glad you were able to find a creative solution with T-3. If that turns out to be workable in practice, is that something you could propose to T-1?

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  2. Thanks for supporting us ❤️❤️
    Without support from therapists, we are trying to be more resourceful. It’s just not totally reasonable that we could totally fill these voids
    We feel scared and fried

    To meet T-1’s needs, we would have to find a location that is not obvious, which might make us feel like we have to be ashamed. So, we probably wouldn’t share this with T-1.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I get the whole ‘if it’s not face to face it just doesn’t feel the same at all’ that you are all describing in the post. I feel that way with my T all the time lately.
    I’m glad T-3 is trying something different and I really hope it helps with the connection that’s missing. Big hugs xx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. That must be scary not being able to recognize people 😦 and confusing!

    I facetimed my therapist for about a year during my first year of college. It wasn’t the same as being physically in the same room. But I liked being able to show her things I’d drawn or put up on the walls of my room, which I could do because I was in my own space. I couldn’t have done that if I was going to her office. Sharing things like that with her felt very personal and made me feel connected to her. I wonder if there are similar ways you can feel connected if you’re at home?
    Other things we sometimes did: I sometimes sent her long-ish “emailing to vent” emails, which she replied to, generally briefly, but it helped. And sometimes she texted me inspirational quotes in the morning, which I really liked.

    Hang in there, you’ll get through this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Literally, the past X months of therapy have been about boundaries: the therapeutic office is safe, stop contacting therapists outside session, etc. We were feeling very distant before we lost physical contact.

      Now, we are panicking. It feels unsafe to introduce traumatic energy into our living space. We might try to drive somewhere for therapy and just talk on the phone. Even though that is not a contained therapeutic space either. That will do less harm. We are very scared of losing connection. We forget love very easily

      Showing our art might be a way to connect. Thanks for the thoughtful suggestion

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww, that sounds really hard to be even more distant when you were already feeling distant. 😦 And now the boundaries have changed and the safe place is not there anymore. Aww that must be so hard 😦

        Liked by 1 person

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