Internal meeting

T-2 is going to start seeing clients again. Therapist and client have to wear a mask at all times and stay six feet apart.

Our Littles do not want to do it. They are too scared of the masks. Scared of being contagious. Of being feared. Of being afraid.

Afraid of being afraid is common for Littles. Think of the trepidation of an approaching thunderstorm when you are a scared Little.

We will try to have an inside conference about T-2 in the coming days if we can get resourced enough.

What does resourced enough look like? Having energy to mentally and physically handle being nine different people, possibly simultaneously if it gets to that. We try to cooperate, take turns, not have more than 2-3 people up front at once.

And strong emotions provoke responses in many inside people at once. That is probably why numb, steady, calm is our ideal: then people don’t rush around inside.

We cannot do much practicing of skills to because we are not resourced almost all of the time.

We had been training in meditation, mindfulness, nonviolence—all by being alone—as a way to find what works in the moment and recharge. Keep going.

There is something about being around other people at all—let alone 24 hours per day—that hinders us from practicing our skills.

We try walking outside alone, and we’re never alone. People are everywhere in this big city. Should we try going to the country? It is against the shelter-in-place order. Does our health somehow give us an exemption? We doubt it.

This inside meeting would have to be convened during morning because (1) that is when we are most resourced (because we get more symptomatic every day as the day wears on—every day. No days off) and (2) that is the only time we can sorta be alone. Everyone else is still asleep every single day when we get up. Every day. No days off.

If we wake up and are resourced, we could try to have a meeting about T-2. These meetings—is they are attended—include the widest possible range of emotions because most of the inside people are trapped inside traumas. Inside traumas is a scary place for a Little.

We have two Middles. One is very sad. Most alone among others or when outside. Nature does not console this one. This one overflow with shame. This one creates gender hatred of self.

The other Middle has resources to help Littles and Littles will listen to this Middle. You can imagine how tiring it can get for this Middle as the only me who can talk to Littles and Bigs.

This Middle is a different gender from our body. Spouse is not attracted to this Middle when we express this Middle’s gender. Since we are around Spouse so much, we have ceased expressing this Middle’s gender. Only once per month, when we go to the pharmacy—sometimes the only time we enter a public space in a month, especially now that we have not gone into therapy—do we express this Middle’s gender in our preferred way.

T-1, who is not currently one of our Ts, says we can express gender in more subtle ways. We do not like to hide. Hiding is a form of shame for us. Still, these are desperate times. We will consider that, T1. Maybe add it to the meeting agenda.

This will be a busy meeting.

11 thoughts on “Internal meeting

  1. Good luck with the meeting. It takes lotsa courage. I hope you wake up able to.
    Are you allowed to drive out at all? Could you find out if there’s any possibility of going to the country?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. There is a place 88 miles away that is pretty quiet except for birds. That is too far. There are almost certainly places within 25 miles that are quiet. We will look on maps. Thanks

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I hope you find somewhere nearby… there are often books and crannies that people don’t know about. In the park around the corner from me that can get busy there is a little part that I don’t think most people know about. I hope where you find is awesomeness….

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope the internal meeting goes as smoothly as it possibly can for all of you.

    Maybe there’s a way to reframe subtle so that it doesn’t look like hiding. For example, I have a large tattoo of a phoenix on the left side of my ribcage. I’m quite proud of it and not hiding it, but I deliberately chose a location where it would be just for me, not for other people.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Might it be helpful to ask if Spouse has any ideas for how SJ can meet those needs? Perhaps bringing Spouse on board in that sense could generate ideas that meet both Spouse’s and SJ’s needs.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. We get it.

      We wore a mask for the first time today. Went for our monthly pharmacy visit and Spouse told us everyone wears them now in buildings. Our eyeglasses kept fogging up.

      We could tell that some people were acting friendly under their mask because their voice or eyes or some combination told us so 🥰

      Liked by 1 person

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