We are feeling very much stressed and low on resourcefulness and energy. We told Spouse. We vented. It is hard to say much at this point for Spouse.
We have boxed ourselves into a corner. We want to practice Nonviolent Communication, and we know nobody who knows it.
We found an online, yearlong compassion course for NVC starting in June that we may attempt.
T-2 opened the therapy clinic this week. T-2 messaged us to set up an appointment. We demurred. Masks are scaring us. We wore one in public for the first time on Sunday to go to the pharmacy. We did not feel comfortable. We cannot imagine conducting therapy with masks right now.
Then T-2 messaged to ask if we wanted to pull cars next to each other and talk on the phone. We said yes. We will try it. We do cars with T-3. T-1 did not appreciate cars when we tried it.
We are missing and grieving T-1. We are finding similarities between mourning our separation from T-1 and the mourning of our childhood neglect. We will explore this avenue and not ignore it.
We will try to find out what our Littles need from us to try to accept what is.
What is: we are alive now. Our parents and T-1 are living, too. We can feel about them any way we desire—even without interacting. T-1 taught us this. T-1 said over the course of our 5+ years of therapy, “I will still care about you even if you do not care about me or if we never see each other.”
We are still salty about boundaries with T-1, T-3, and parents. We are not as salty with our abusers because they were not as obligated to care for us and nurture us as we believe parents and therapists are. And we will never get satisfaction from abusers. Could we reconcile with the others?
T-1 and T-3 were all about boundaries a few months ago. And it still hurts inside us. Now, we know from them that they are both scared and feeling unskillful, etc.
Sure, now it feels safe to tell us their feelings because it’s pandemic. Well, it was always a trauma for us! We’ve been in trauma the whole time. Yes, it is harder for us now, too. We are never alone. We are suffering. Therapy has changed.
We always understood you were people with real feelings. Why were there so many separations to enforce between us 3 months ago and now it’s okay to be so candid and vulnerable with us?
Because we still (1) do not understand boundaries, (2) the world is different even if it’s less of a change for us, (3) people know we understand what suffering is, what fear is, (4) people know that despite everything, we still care, still offer compassion—even when we feel neglected and disgusting.