We met with T-2 in cars yesterday. T-2 is holding face-to-face sessions in clinic wearing masks, and we are too afraid and uncomfortable to do that. We pulled our cars next to each other, and T-2 wanted us to talk on the phone, so we did that.
There is a lag in the phone so that we couldn’t look at each other the whole time. It was still acceptable. T-2 provided some empathy, and we were able to get some crying out. We did not feel relief, and still it was good to express the suffering inside us.
T-2 had said we would find a week to meet weekly this way, and then we received a message that it would be every other week. This is a hard reversal of expectation. We would have preferred to not receive any expectation rather than to overpromise and underdeliver, if you know what we mean.
We accepted the offer, though.
We still have not heard from T-3 about scheduling for next week, and we will not attempt to contact.
We are tempted to do as we did with T-1 and for many times in our life: guarantee the worst result so that we are in control. We can cancel T-3 permanently, as we did T-1.
This seems not very skillful. It would reduce the anxiety we feel at wondering if a new appointment will ever be scheduled. And that anxiety will be replaced with anxiety over the lost relationship.
Control must be the reason. We want control, even if it harms us.
We called the last hospital we were in, which was in the fall. They are not taking face-to-face patients, nor are any of their providers offering in-person services.
We sent a message to our GP to ask if their system (a big health care system) has anyone who might agree to meet with us in a car or socially distanced without masks once per week.
We are also going to contact the insurance company to ask for this same kind of assistance.
We are not going to attach to outcomes because that seems to be a recipe for frustration and letdown.
We are going to try to continue to advocate for us and find people to keep us alive and with some resources.
We are thinking about suicide, and we reject that option because we do not want Children to be left without a parent. We also do not want them to emulate our violence. And violent is not who we want to be.
We will keep seeking resources and try to find therapists who are not so scared by the current conditions that they cannot provide hope to us.