Self-care amid healthcare chaos

We need an increase in our take-as-needed medication. Our doctor is very responsive to our needs, as we have a history together and we never have abused or misused a medication. Wet have adjusted the dosage down in the past, too, which indicates we are not always wanting increases.

We had an appointment scheduled in early June to adjust the meds upward. Two days ago, our doctor was called to active military duty and no one else at that clinic can prescribe this medication. We do not feel upset at our doctor. No one is trying to hurt us. We feel scared and alone. Triggers childhood neglect. Triggers how Ts are not meeting our needs

The doctor’s office helped us get an urgent psychiatrist appointment next week. Thank you! We have to go in-person. For a first meeting that will result in a prescription, they will not do Telehealth. Since we do not appreciate Telehealth, we said we will go and we said we will not wear a mask.

We are scared the psychiatrist will think we are lying or scheming and won’t approve the medication. T-2 said to have the psychiatrist call T-2 if there is any problem. This is helpful.

Still, we have so much anxiety at the potential to again not have our needs be met that thoughts of self-violence are beginning. This is our strategy to control the outcome. If the doctor won’t give us the medication that we need to survive, then we will be the one’s to inflict pain on ourself so that the doctor can’t do it

Listen, the doctor does not want to hurt you. Doctors want to help people

But that doctor sexually abused our friend. That is why she has trauma.

We are older now. We can protect ourself. This doctor is unlikely to be a predator

They did say the office is practically empty because most people are working from home. We are at risk.

You could call Spouse from at the office to say you are there and that you’ll call as soon as it’s done. And you could let provider hear that call

Or you could ask for someone else to be in the room, even though it increases COVID-19 exposure risks. Yes, do that

Update: we left the provider a message to please have someone else in the room

This is a lot happening! We are seeing T-5 again next week, and we’re not too excited about it. Still, if we can get some coping tools for being around people, we will benefit

We cried our eyes out today with T-2, so we feel some release. T-2 said to focus on what is constant. We choose:

• Our breath
• morning, noon, night
• Older Child’s love

T-2 asked for small acts of self-care this week to build self-love. Ideas include:

• Coloring bubble letters we draw
• Drinking ice tea
• Go outside
• Find prairies
• When the neighbor ladies gather in our yard to chat at a social, SJ can join them as able/desired
• Paint our toes
• Cook and eat food we like
• Order food we like
• Eat enough
• Drink water
• Study peace (Nonviolence)
• Meditate

We have not heard from T-3 yet about next week’s appointment. We might look for additional in-person therapy. We might have to pause seeing T-3. We feel sad that regular appointments are not scheduled and the appointments are not scheduled enough in advance to quell our fears. We have told T-3 this over and over, which means T-3 is overwhelmed and cannot meet these needs

Both children got summer jobs. This is amazing given the economy and fear in our house. Spouse’s job is directing Spouse to work three-quarter time this summer. Spouse usually works half time in summer so this will be more energy Spouse has to spend. Spouse makes very little so the extra money does not affect much

Still we have a critical home infrastructure failure that needs remedying, so this may mean we can afford it

That is a lot of content. The content changes all the time. What we need are different strategies for handling them. Calling the psychiatrist to ask for a second person for our safety was acting to relieve our stress, whether it happens or not our doors or spots not keep us safe

Control isn’t real. If it were, OCD would be the most useful adaptation ever!

We love you, OCD. You try to keep us safe during chaos. Can we practice being flexible and letting life unfold? We can survive most of what we fear and try to control. Maybe we can learn the call of a pretty bird or learn a new wildflower’s bloom

Peace and love to anyone who reads this and to those who do not