Friend Eliza wrote about an experience that resonates with us. Her blog is here.
She wrote about the need for reassurance from a friend that the friend is still there.
We have that kind of urgency with T-1. We would urgently need to text T-1 because we panicked T-1 had forgot us. T-1 told us over and over T-1 will never forget us.
That assisted us only for the moment. Then it would happen again. Weekly at least.
From discussing it with Eliza, we realized because we have Littles inside who were forgotten, neglected, and they are trapped in time—lost—they can never get enough reassurance. They feel forgotten.
That is one of the Traumas
They will seek reassurance, and as with any obsession, the ritual only calms down the OCD for a moment. And then it gets hungry again. Gnaws.
Permanent cycle unless we can figure out how to get our Littles into Now. No, they don’t have T-1 in the now—we don’t see T-1 anymore due to the COVID sickness—and they do have Spouse. And a few resources to cope.
The issue with COVID is that none of our four therapists we were seeing pre-COVID will see us in person as they did pre-COVID. So now we see only two of them because those two have agreed to see us from our respective cars. T-1 objected to cars. T-1 worries about getting the sickness from us, spreading it to T-1’s family.
So now when Littles crave T-1, we sometimes remind them how T-1 didn’t want to see us. Didn’t want to be seen with us. They are little baby birds squealing for food, for xanax, for love.
We remind them how T-3 was the first one to say, “i will commit to supporting you every week the way you need to be supported.” Even though T-3 has forgotten us twice, T-3 is trying to show up. Committed. Leading with Love.
That is who we want in our life.
The T-1 we miss is now in our memory. No longer real to us. Too many delusions of how she rejected our proposals for meeting. Littles are not reassured. They are still craving.
Maybe benzo withdrawal isn’t helping our metaphors lol
We could not fall asleep easily last night. Before weaning benzos and starting new meds, for years falling asleep was a snap. Last night it took 2.5 hours. Our legs were vibrating. We were in physical agony even though we weren’t stressed out about not being able to sleep. We don’t resist that. Spouse rescued us. Used tenderness.
We are grateful for Spouse. For children. For T-3 and T-2. And we hope we see T-1 again. We have had as much love for T-1 as for anyone who is not in our family.
If you come to Now, Littles, you get a devoted Spouse, kids who love you (mostly), T’s who meet you in cars—which they do for no one else in the world. This is a lot of love! This is a lot of support. This is making our heart fill up!!! ❤️❤️❤️
And we can feed on that in the Now anytime we get lonesome. It doesn’t change the fact that T-1 didn’t love us in the way we needed. And nothing and no one can change that. We can try to accept it and be grateful for the love we do have. Try to heal trauma with what we have, not punish us for what we don’t have.
Withdrawal is temporary (hopefully).
Our mood, current heartache, is temporary. Always remember it is temporary. Littles, please come to Now where the love is, where we can survive together, get through withdrawal for T-1’s love, for Xanax, for parental love.
Our best is all we have. Please rest without perfection. Please. Pretty please with sugar on top