Still going

We have been doing the work of survival.

It makes sense we haven’t been in our body. Perspective is hard to find. We don’t recognize our experience because the meds are new and withdrawal is ongoing

So we injured the body twice. This fragile container is healing. We haven’t gone birdwatching for a few weeks. Haven’t gone for a walk in a few weeks. Mostly homebound like usual.

Haven’t seen T-3 in many weeks. We decided to stop meeting because we are so ill from meds and tired and the drive is almost 40 minutes each way.

But after we agreed to not meet, we decided to try again. To dig even deeper. To do the work.

We have fallen behind. We don’t meditate much. We dont use the body as much. We don’t cooperate. We don’t talk about things. We avoid therapy. We are surviving.

We need hospital but won’t go while our family is struggling due to pandemic.

Older Child has just days to decide whether to return to campus this fall or study online or some other option. Spouse and Older Child are very stressed about this decision

Younger Child is fearful of infecting us if high school resumes in person

We don’t fear things like that. We fear our trauma fears—not real life fears

We have come to some terms with losing ground during pandemic. We don’t see therapists in person. We aren’t alone any more. We are different now.

Once we can resume healing work—is every—we will begin where we are. This is acceptance. Creates less suffering than resisting what is true. AJ feels mad about our situation. But we need to preserve energy.

The new therapist we haven’t seen yet already canceled. Won’t take our insurance. So we have another appointment with another stranger just to see someone in person. We stopped seeing T-5, who was not a fit for us but was a live body to keep us trying to connect.

T-2 switched days we meet. T-3 switched days we meet. All of our plans are like confetti in the wind. Having expectations creates attachment to outcomes. This inevitably leads to suffering.

We need to lessen our suffering to keep doing this survival.

We have been spotting on Younger Child. Younger Child seems receptive. We are shifting our attitude from frustration and control to nurturing and acceptance. This seems healthier for everyone.

And still we suffer.

T-5 asked why we can’t be pleased with things like being closer with Younger Child.

The sexual abuse

It created expectations about what sensory experiences are. It was too much too soon in our life. And we are spoiled from it

Or some of us feel that way

We are very tired and disconnected. This is close to our best probably. We keep hanging on. It can always get worse. That’s what we prepare for inside. What we trained us to think we deserve. Joyless life of suffering living in excrement underground

We will keep going anyway

13 thoughts on “Still going

  1. I’ve been thinking about you…
    I’m glad to see you posting…
    Acceptance is definitely the best thing possible.
    Sending hugs and peace.
    You deserve the best 💕🐦💕🐬💕🐦💕

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤️❤️ Hang in there! You are keeping on going. That is important. You are doing it. I’m really impressed with all the therapists you have reached out to in the past few months! You are keeping on trying.

    The med change sounds really hard. New experiences are hard to adjust to. I know I have a hard time whenever new, strange things are happening in my body and it feels unpredictable and out of control.

    A relevant quote: “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” -Arthur Ashe

    I hope you get to go birdwatching again soon 💕

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Aww 😦 Did you go birdwatching? If so, how was it? Sometimes when I’m not feeling hopeful, I try to make a list of things I’m looking forward to — like, I planted some zinnias (flowers), and today I saw some little ones coming up! 🙂 And it’s exciting to watch them grow and wait for the flowers to bloom 🙂
        Thinking of you 💕

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I have had you on my mind and am holding you close to my heart. So many people I know are having a more difficult time than usual because of this pandemic. I am here to witness your struggle. Please keep writing. Your words are powerful.

    And, as for birdwatching, I saw a mother and a juvenile bald eagle yesterday. They were flying and fishing together. It was amazing. There are still amazing things out there. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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