Start (resume) where you are

We have lost much ground in:

  • Being in our body
  • Meditating
  • Feeling any contentment
  • Physical strength
  • Therapeutic relationships
  • Healing our traumas
  • Cooperating internally
  • Having friendships
  • Expressing our gender

We have gained ground in:

  • Being compassionate to Younger Child
  • Getting off benzos
  • Adjusting to new normals

Things may not go back to the old normal. There is no knowing. Even if COVID abates, who is to say it or another contagion won’t morph into the new threat?

We cannot delay living until everything is perfect or suited to our preferences.

We can choose to accept what is true now and try to set aside our expectations and preferences, if for no other reason than since they do not align with our present reality, craving what is not possible creates suffering.

That may require knowing what is and is not possible, which is hard for us because we live with a lot of delusion—whether it is pure O OCD, dissociation, or some kind of psychosis.

True: we haven’t seen T-1 in 3 months. We have seen T-3 maybe once in a month. We see T-2 weekly in cars.

If we want anything to be different, we have to assert ourselves in realms that are alterable.

We could try to see T-1 on Telehealth. We chose not to. We could try to drive 37 minutes each way to see T-3 in cars. We do not feel safe doing it. These are acts of choice; there is no right or wrong.

If we want to practice meditation, we will have to adapt to the reality that we are almost never alone any more. We were the only ones awake this morning and we meditated briefly. That is meditation. That is starting with where we are.

T-1 was a big proponent of “start now”. Resume now. What are you waiting for? You don’t need to repent or wait for perfect conditions. Take the step.

The physical therapist told us to start our back rehabilitation over from the beginning once our hip flexor healed. We have been too scared to start. Today, we did 4 simple exercises. That counts as starting.

We feel anxious, worried, full of dread, afraid. This could be still related to med changes or just how we are right now. We will see the psychiatrist at the end of the month and see how to improve our feelings and sensations if it is possible.

We do not want to kill ourselves. We do want to be dead. So maybe we will get COVID and die.

If not, we will just keep trying to lessen our suffering. If Older Child goes back to college and Younger Child goes back to school even part-time (hybrid online/in-person), maybe we will go in-patient somewhere to try to get some skills back.

To continue living with less suffering, we have to focus on moving from where we are now—not trying to get to where we used to be. That is clinging to the past.

Maybe when we move from where we are, we will gain even more skills or different skills. The fact is, we are a different person than before COVID, and we will be different than we were. That is just truth about ever-changing life.

7 thoughts on “Start (resume) where you are

  1. Perhaps, rather than losing ground, you are out of practice. The work you’ve done, the skills you’ve developed , and the growth you’ve had can still serve you in new learning. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You’re definitely living with where you’re at instead of where you want to be. I love the way that in your posts you’re compassionate to yourself.
    Sending hugs and sunshine

    Liked by 1 person

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