Younger Child started php for mental health. This could improve all of our lives. We have been saying life has many paths: school can wait, college isn’t required for living. Focus on health and well-being. Relieve suffering.
Now, there is a chance to relieve suffering.
You know us: we feel other people’s feelings, especially pain. We are enmeshed. So having Younger Child attend to mental health is also a gift to us.
The transition to php for Younger Child is hellish. Symptoms are enhanced. Resistance is high. Suffering intensifies. And we are cracking. We had to leave house yesterday. Stormed out. No judgment of self-care. We stay alive.
You might imagine that the parental support and education requirements for Younger Child’s program are both intense and triggering AF for us. We have these conditions too and don’t want to make any of it about us. This is hard. That is one more reason we need additional help, support for us.
We are trying to look at hospitals for us. Spouse seemed exasperated by this revelation once Younger Child got settled into php yesterday. We snapped back that self-care is our goal. This is about us. Spouse then did a 180, which is a more supportive stance.
We imagine Spouse needs some shared reality, mutual support, peace, and personal well-being. Our need for outside support may trigger feelings of isolation in Spouse. But we can’t be Spouse. Spouse has a therapist, and we can’t deny our needs either.
We have sacrificed our health to contribute to this family during COVID. Older Child is surviving at college. Now, Younger Child has help.
It is our turn to try to save us.
Disability sent paperwork yesterday to evaluate our status. This freaks us out: what if they stop supporting us? We already lost Ts. We feel unsupported. What if we lose financial support, too?
We planned to discuss hospital options and disability paperwork with T-2 at today’s therapy session in cars. If we were allowed to speak out truth. Me’s are active and protective. And opening up to Spouse to hear WTF? does not help us share. Also, Sibling is coming to town and wants to meet with us this weekend. That is a usual trigger for us.
But T-2 canceled today due to illness. This demands flexibility. We signed up for an open slot with T-1 today for Telehealth.
We are scared.
Oh so scared.
Flood gates could open. T-1 is the only one we really trust. And we feel like T-1’s actions have hurt us so much. Boundaries have been inconsistent and extreme. T-1 wouldn’t meet in person because (1) we might give T-1 COVID and (2) T-1 didn’t want to risk being seen in public with us because our birth sex might make people “talk” if we were seen together.
That is honesty. And so it is a gift. But we also want to self-harm to punish this body for its birth sex. We try to look like the “opposite” gender, but Spouse doesn’t love that.
So we will let it unfold. We will try a Telehealth session. It will be with T-1. And we will be open to hearing what T-1 says to help us.
We may have to translate incoming messages because T-1 doesn’t speak nonviolence. We don’t want to judge T-1 or miss therapeutic help because we don’t agree with the packaging/language.
We are all people who have needs. Focus on needs and feelings and we can translate anything and anyone with compassion.
We will do our best in all these scary decisions.
We are less nauseous from the med withdrawal. We have increased creativity: there is an art project that has come to us that we may try.
Let life unfold.
May we let love lead
May we choose healing over violence
May we take our time