Nerves. Practicing flexibility

Younger Child started php for mental health. This could improve all of our lives. We have been saying life has many paths: school can wait, college isn’t required for living. Focus on health and well-being. Relieve suffering.

Now, there is a chance to relieve suffering.

You know us: we feel other people’s feelings, especially pain. We are enmeshed. So having Younger Child attend to mental health is also a gift to us.

The transition to php for Younger Child is hellish. Symptoms are enhanced. Resistance is high. Suffering intensifies. And we are cracking. We had to leave house yesterday. Stormed out. No judgment of self-care. We stay alive.

You might imagine that the parental support and education requirements for Younger Child’s program are both intense and triggering AF for us. We have these conditions too and don’t want to make any of it about us. This is hard. That is one more reason we need additional help, support for us.

We are trying to look at hospitals for us. Spouse seemed exasperated by this revelation once Younger Child got settled into php yesterday. We snapped back that self-care is our goal. This is about us. Spouse then did a 180, which is a more supportive stance.

We imagine Spouse needs some shared reality, mutual support, peace, and personal well-being. Our need for outside support may trigger feelings of isolation in Spouse. But we can’t be Spouse. Spouse has a therapist, and we can’t deny our needs either.

We have sacrificed our health to contribute to this family during COVID. Older Child is surviving at college. Now, Younger Child has help.

It is our turn to try to save us.

Disability sent paperwork yesterday to evaluate our status. This freaks us out: what if they stop supporting us? We already lost Ts. We feel unsupported. What if we lose financial support, too?

We planned to discuss hospital options and disability paperwork with T-2 at today’s therapy session in cars. If we were allowed to speak out truth. Me’s are active and protective. And opening up to Spouse to hear WTF? does not help us share. Also, Sibling is coming to town and wants to meet with us this weekend. That is a usual trigger for us.

But T-2 canceled today due to illness. This demands flexibility. We signed up for an open slot with T-1 today for Telehealth.

We are scared.

Oh so scared.

Flood gates could open. T-1 is the only one we really trust. And we feel like T-1’s actions have hurt us so much. Boundaries have been inconsistent and extreme. T-1 wouldn’t meet in person because (1) we might give T-1 COVID and (2) T-1 didn’t want to risk being seen in public with us because our birth sex might make people “talk” if we were seen together.

That is honesty. And so it is a gift. But we also want to self-harm to punish this body for its birth sex. We try to look like the “opposite” gender, but Spouse doesn’t love that.

So we will let it unfold. We will try a Telehealth session. It will be with T-1. And we will be open to hearing what T-1 says to help us.

We may have to translate incoming messages because T-1 doesn’t speak nonviolence. We don’t want to judge T-1 or miss therapeutic help because we don’t agree with the packaging/language.

We are all people who have needs. Focus on needs and feelings and we can translate anything and anyone with compassion.

We will do our best in all these scary decisions.

We are less nauseous from the med withdrawal. We have increased creativity: there is an art project that has come to us that we may try.

Let life unfold.

May we let love lead

May we choose healing over violence

May we take our time


17 thoughts on “Nerves. Practicing flexibility

  1. I hope Younger Child is able to find support and healing with php. And I hope T1 can help with addressing some of your needs, because you absolutely deserve to have your needs met. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      1. 💔💔💔 you all deserve a therapist unashamed to be seen with your body. My T isn’t very knowledgeable about gender non conformity but she has never been ashamed to be seen with me even when I look like the opposite of my birth sex. You all deserve better and you all are being failed and I am wishing fervently you all can get the supports needed. You are not too much for the right therapists. T1’s boundaries are so rigid and I feel T1’s unwillingness to be seen with yous due to your birth sex is a form of emotional violence 💔💔💔

        Liked by 1 person

        1. T-1 ended our therapeutic relationship yesterday. So we want to stop dwelling. Of course, Littles are devastated. T-1 was their parent figure. Yes, our body is a source of stress. You understand that better than most people ❤️❤️

          We need to find another supportive therapist. It is eluding us. We will see if we can keep trying

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Keep trying when some of you can. Lots of hugs to the Little. They need to know this isn’t their fault. T1 has T1’s own issues being stirred up. Some therapists can’t do certain kinds of work. Having complex trauma requires a whole different kettle of fish, some therapists can’t go that deep.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry that you are struggling. This post brings me tears. When my child struggles I feel it so deeply for them, I understand this sadness, and I hope php will be the best place for them. You seem to already know what you need for healing right now. Listen to your instincts for self care. Good luck with T1. May you…

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I wish there were something I could do or say….
    Sending hugs and hugs and peace and crows and butterflies and dolphins.
    You deserve to be okay. No matter what anyone external or internal says. You deserve a life worth living.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for saying it. We want a life. Your gifts are welcome. Today, T-1 said our therapeutic relationship is over. It was abrupt. We are spinning. Littles are crying a lot, so our body is crying a lot. Then we forgot we are a big person and we hit our head by mistake on the garage door lol😵

      Hospital programs or more therapists are needed. Covid is messing it up. It’s still a pandemic here. Feeling overwhelmed. Spouse loves us. And we love Spouse. Maybe that will help

      Trust is tough.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I read your comments before responding.
        I hope you can find a good programme. I can’t imagine how tough it is without the communication. I wonder if there are online workbooks or workshops that could help.
        With you in thought…

        Liked by 2 people

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