Trigger warnings: blood, trauma, self-harm, disordered eating, etc.
When we want control, our go-to is to withhold food from us. While it may not sound ideal to starve children, and it isn’t, please know it’s the children doing the starving of the body.
When we get sick from hunger, getting food in us can be tough. And then we spiral. And if we vomit, we wind up in hospital due to dehydration and chronic vertigo.
This was the script for one of our 2019 hospitalizations. The trigger for not eating at that time was Older Child’s wisdom teeth extraction. It triggered our medical trauma, which was a botched tonsillectomy and involved nearly bleeding to death in our home.
Now, Younger Child has been diagnosed with an eating disorder. We are internalizing that energy, as we do, and our eating is disordered again. OCD loves to withhold food because it’s so easy to get results quickly. Delay or withhold a meal or two and our suffering blossoms quickly.
The maladaptive strategies are evident to us: we feed off other’s energy, especially dangerous energy. Then we use it as inspiration to self-harm.
It is very hopeful that we are noticing these strategies. When T-1 ended our therapeutic relationship this week, our initial reaction was to shut down the tears and starve ourself.
This sounded to someone inside like self-inflicted physical suffering. And we have tried to not withhold food.
We are not eating as much, and maybe we are slowly starving ourself, but we are not at the acute phase.
When we notice we are hungry, it’s already severe. We get dizzy, nauseous, crampy, and bloated. Then it’s hard to eat because we feel sick.
Survival soup is:
- Chicken broth
- Hot dogs
Survival soup is also a metaphor. It is steps deliberately taken to care for sick children, even if we/they are the ones making us/them sick.
The urges to self-harm are intense. Especially because we are feeding off Younger Child’s suffering.
This kind of boundary shitstorm likely contributed to T-1’s severing ties
T-1 said we were “inappropriately attached” to T-1, and then in the next breath, “but you’re not doing anything wrong.”
Any information that contradicts what we want is heard by AJ as criticism. So of course we think that T-1 thinks we are psychotically attached to T-1.
We have caregiver trauma and T-1 thinks we won’t get help from other therapists because we are too attached to T-1. Others in our life think T-1 committed caregiver boundary violations towards us. If so, it’s our fault. We compel people to harm us.
Sexual abuse, neglect, emotional abuse.
Now, T’s leave us. COVID has left us with too few skills and too little care.
Is it any wonder we are self-harming?
We cannot get the energy to call hospitals to get into a program to boost skills and break the cycle.
We need survival soup for our life. We think we know the ingredients, but we have been unable to combine them.