T-2 is committed to helping us stay alive. We told T-2 if we can make it to Thanksgiving, we can make it until the end of the year because we have something that will uplift us for those 6 weeks.
T-2 offered to call a prospective T we found through calling, calling, and calling. This T, though a gender that scares us, has PhD in sexuality, treats sexual trauma and gender confusion and offers sensorimotor therapy. Sounds like about everything we need, except DID therapy, which T-2 expertly provides.
We do not have hope that the call will help since T-2 called another T for us and that did not compel that T to meet with us.
A few PHP are meeting in person now. We are not sure if we can get in. We are not sure if we will try. At this point, to try is to risk vulnerability when we are low.
We did an exercise as a family for therapy last week: what roles do you play in your family. We identified ourself as the scapegoat. We make the tough decisions for the family; namely, that members of our family need professional mental health treatment—and when family members need a higher level of care
We always encounter resistance. And we get blamed and resented and knocked around. And this takes a toll.
We were verbally abusive to our children and so making us the bad guy is a trope that is understandable and easy to play over and over.
And we are weary of it. Not enough resources to persist with it.
And with T-1 telling us we care inappropriately, we don’t know how to trust our own instincts. After all, T-1 seemed to nurture our connection all these years. T-1 responded to our texts, offered hugs, said, “I love you, too.” We are hurt people seeking meaningful connection and healing.
Someone told us T-1 is gaslighting us. We asked what that is, and we were told it’s when someone questions your perceptions so much that you no longer trust your own basic perceptions of easily-identified reality
Don’t want to go down that avenue. Just want to find some hope. Our house is filled with stress and sorrow. We are a net contributor to that.
SJ can’t express self openly in our home. Therapy was where SJ was SJ. And now therapy is down to 1 day/week.
T-1 said we’re not the only family in crisis. Instead of normalizing our experience, that engendered shame in us. That is on us—as is everything in the world—not T-1.
Back to taking it one moment at a time. See if we can disconnect all the dots of pain and torture we keep connecting. One hand draws on the whiteboard while the other has to try to remember to erase it as it is written.