Thank you, T-2, for trying

T-2 is committed to helping us stay alive. We told T-2 if we can make it to Thanksgiving, we can make it until the end of the year because we have something that will uplift us for those 6 weeks.

T-2 offered to call a prospective T we found through calling, calling, and calling. This T, though a gender that scares us, has PhD in sexuality, treats sexual trauma and gender confusion and offers sensorimotor therapy. Sounds like about everything we need, except DID therapy, which T-2 expertly provides.

We do not have hope that the call will help since T-2 called another T for us and that did not compel that T to meet with us.

A few PHP are meeting in person now. We are not sure if we can get in. We are not sure if we will try. At this point, to try is to risk vulnerability when we are low.

We did an exercise as a family for therapy last week: what roles do you play in your family. We identified ourself as the scapegoat. We make the tough decisions for the family; namely, that members of our family need professional mental health treatment—and when family members need a higher level of care

We always encounter resistance. And we get blamed and resented and knocked around. And this takes a toll.

We were verbally abusive to our children and so making us the bad guy is a trope that is understandable and easy to play over and over.

And we are weary of it. Not enough resources to persist with it.

And with T-1 telling us we care inappropriately, we don’t know how to trust our own instincts. After all, T-1 seemed to nurture our connection all these years. T-1 responded to our texts, offered hugs, said, “I love you, too.” We are hurt people seeking meaningful connection and healing.

Someone told us T-1 is gaslighting us. We asked what that is, and we were told it’s when someone questions your perceptions so much that you no longer trust your own basic perceptions of easily-identified reality

Don’t want to go down that avenue. Just want to find some hope. Our house is filled with stress and sorrow. We are a net contributor to that.

SJ can’t express self openly in our home. Therapy was where SJ was SJ. And now therapy is down to 1 day/week.

T-1 said we’re not the only family in crisis. Instead of normalizing our experience, that engendered shame in us. That is on us—as is everything in the world—not T-1.

Back to taking it one moment at a time. See if we can disconnect all the dots of pain and torture we keep connecting. One hand draws on the whiteboard while the other has to try to remember to erase it as it is written.

14 thoughts on “Thank you, T-2, for trying

  1. ‘One hand draws on the whiteboard while the other has to try to remember to erase it as it is written.’ This is such a beautiful sentence. The image is so clear in my mind. I often use the analogy of a chalkboard in my meditation classes. Inhale and notice what is on your chalkboard (mind), exhale as you erase it. Every breath is a chance to create and erase. If we can make the exhales linger and longer, perhaps we can erase more than we write. Keep breathing. Keep going. K

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      1. Thanks for the tie-in with breath. We lie awake every middle of the night. When we remember, we try to extend the exhale beyond the inhale. The rapist lying on Little’s chest makes air hard to get in. Gasping, spitting out our breath makes it hard to exhale continuously. And patience, persistence usually results in back to sleep. The big body crushing us is not there. It sounds awful. It is awful. And we’ve already survived in real time and over and over in flashback. We lost practice due to Covid and surviving, so we’ll try to keep practicing. Thanks for your support. Really.

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    1. Thanks, Ash. The need for safety and peace are so strong. They are mythical treasures, like pirate booty buried obscurely on a faded map. We keep digging—X marks the spot—until the whole world is the hole but the treasure is still hidden. Maybe we are not seeing it. Maybe the treasure is there and we’re blind. Or maybe peace and safety can’t exist for us but the idea of them motivates existence, so we’d rather dig in vain than have no hope!

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  2. The prospective T sounds promising! I am crossing my fingers for you that it works out.

    Feeling like a scapegoat and getting blamed for things is no fun 😦 Figuring out what “role you play” in your family is interesting — in my family, my “role” is to provide more emotional support and organization than physical labor or chores. I have this “role” because there was a time when I was injured and concussed and sleeping all the time and couldn’t physically do much. But even now that times have changed and I’m perfectly capable of, for example, vacuuming, getting the mail, or pulling weeds, it’s hard for me to do those things because of the way things have been for so long. It’s hard to change myself AND my family.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. We totally understand that role issue. When we avoided certain tasks due to trauma symptoms, we began to view those tasks as “Spouse’s tasks.”

      T-1 helped us see we could approach those tasks and ask for them back when we were ready or take on new, different ones.

      The role of the family in gatekeeping your role is curious, too.

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