Super depressed. Younger Child’s health struggles are hitting us hard. We are paralyzed with resisting and craving. We continue to feel responsible for most things that happen—especially everything others in our life find unpleasant
As Younger Child struggles, our cognitive distortion’s mount: YC will be unhappy forever. We can’t live like this. We have to solve it now. People are out to get us.
We hear other’s statements as complaints and act as though they are our fault. We are trying to validate other’s feelings more. That helps relations since we don’t know what to say and tend to feel angry/irritated.
We could not being ourself to contact more PHP/IOP programs for trauma. AJ started to feel trapped: we have to commit for weeks or months to these programs. What if we change our mind? Or the program sucks?
We had two individual therapists after to meet us in person. The first one was very gentle and nice. Littles really appreciated how supported they felt. The therapist talked to SJ, who has been struggling with neglect, and that perked her up.
We will try weekly meetings with masks. The masks in appointments are too scary because we forgot that were rarely look at people. We rarely make sure contact or see whom we water speaking with, so it is not too scary.
The second therapist is empathetic and likes to give handouts—homework, things to try, etc. E2 appreciated this. It met our need for understanding and choice. This therapist was not as warm as the first, but we think it can be useful to have Ts that appeal to different me’s/us’s.
We are realizing that therapy is about the only place that many me’s can try to communicate with an outside person. We have missed that!
We spend most of our life hiding, pretending, holding back, muzzling. But in therapy, once in a while, we allow me’s to have their say.
If we get 2-3 sessions per week among the 3 Ts, we will be close to the 3-4 we had pre-COVID. We aren’t sure if we’ll try to recreate the coping skills we had and lost due to losing therapists in COVID, or if we’ll just see where therapy takes us.
Right now we are trying to stay alive, so it’s hard to plan or goal set. Therapy does give us structure and lets us try to see beyond the haze of suffering, if we are present.
Meeting the first T sent us hurtling through time. Probably due to flashbacks and questions that got Littles confused. We were more cautious this time and so couldn’t answer all the questions because some Littles were prevented from thinking about answers.
Maybe that contradicts our notion of being open in therapy. Drat. Well, therapy is not one thing. It is many things. Just as we are many.
Therapists are our social life. They replace friends and birth family. We aren’t the same with each of our friends, so it makes sense that we aren’t the same with all therapists.
We have been low on energy or desire to try. Everything is so much worth right now. And we don’t enjoy anything. So we walk aimlessly through the yard trying to focus on the plants that have gone to seed, leaves on the ground (the sounds of which drive or hypervigilance very high).
We have some lucid thoughts. Like while waiting to see the newest T, we were scared of the other person in the waiting room. Then we remembered NVC and needs-based relating. That other person is just a person, with the same needs as every other person. That calmed us down some. And we let OCD count the letters in words on signs in the waiting room. That counting calms us down.
These glimpses of awareness remind us that learning and practicing occasionally are useful tools. So therapy might help with the depression. We just don’t understand depression, don’t relate with it. We seem to understand how OCD protects us, we understand trauma response, we think dissociation makes sense as a protection. Depression is so hard to understand for us.
There is much grief and fear. Maybe acknowledging it will allow it to be temporary. We had about 35-40 minutes yesterday when our anxiety lessened, which improved all symptoms.
What led to it? We fed ourself food and didn’t blame us for anything negative. When the low-symptom period ended, we were sad. And then we start to wonder how to get it back. It is so elusive.