Time travel, map travel

On a walk with Spouse today, we stopped suddenly. Spouse is used to this: do you need to hold on to me? No, we said. Where are we?

We were one block over, about a 3-minute walk from home. We just couldn’t understand what we were seeing. We had no previous perception of this angle on the incline of the road, the Sun where it was, the trees leafless, the ground snowless, Marie’s birch tree cut down, the unfamiliarity of the newly built house across the street from that, lots of cars parked along the street.

Someone inside knew where we were. Some people thought we were near our childhood home—about 3 miles away. Someone wondered if it was near Spouse and our first home, about a 20-minute drive from there. These perceptions are interlayed. We could see; but the memories and geolocation were not synched to the same people.

What do we do? We’ve lived here for 17 years this month. If we shove down the feeling or try to pretend, these feelings come out later in a more intense way. We will feel more shame, like we’re doing something “wrong.”

We started walking again and melted back into our neighborhood.

This clue told us were not grounded. Lots of different ages out at the same time. Been like this for a few days. Therapy triggered body memories. Very scary memories.

So hard to feel our biological age. No judgment.

Feel depressed. Still, was feeling supported, too, due to increased therapy. Once we get enough therapy, like now, then we start digging deeper, which is tumultuous.

It really does not end for us. We have no expectations of miraculous recovery. We will just slog through the times between therapy sessions trying to understand that we time travel.

If we enjoyed activities, life would be easier to bear. Older Child comes home next week. We will go outside together a lot. Maybe that will pass the time. We will go looking for owls.

6 thoughts on “Time travel, map travel

  1. You really explained the confusion of knowing and yet not knowing where you are very well. 💜

    I also feel like I’m just existing between therapy sessions and not enjoying anything most of the time. I hate it. I hope time with your older child helps.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I love the imagery of melting back into the neighborhood. Coming back to the present.

    When we start to dig again we displace a lot of dirt. And we dig up relics. We have to remember that even though we are constantly moving through time, those relics were fossilized in the past. They can resurface, we can learn from them, but they are inanimate.

    I’m glad therapy is working. I hope to hear about an owl sighting soon!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “those relics were fossilized in the past. They can resurface, we can learn from them, but they are inanimate.” This seems useful and challenging. This meets our need for perspective. We will try to understand it.

      Liked by 2 people

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