Lots of energy in our house. Feels crowded. At night, we feel oppressed by it, threatened because we think people are scheming against us. They are absolutely not. This is delusion and trauma.
It is morning. We are preparing the turkey before we cook it. We can see our lack of compassion to self and others at night. It is hard not to judge. Being other than compassionate does not meet our needs to be nurturing and caring and supportive.
Being aloof met our need for space, choice, and ease.
How can we bridge the divide? Unsure. We are pleased we didn’t act directly aggressive. Aloof is an improvement from angry, threatening. We can see that, though it’s not a victory others (family) will celebrate with us outside of therapy. Therapists will and do celebrate with us. We think it might be important to celebrate.
New T is meeting our needs for support. This is something we’re thankful for. And T-2 as well, who has been our rock.
We are thankful for perspective to see Spouse’s love. To see Younger Child’s tenacity, humor, and passion for justice. To have Older Child home so that we have our best friend nearby for 6 weeks.
We know we have a winding path to discover. Covid changed our path. So we are rerouting. There is no “proceed to the route.” There are no wrong turns. There is the journey of life. And we will try to forge. It doesn’t have to be forward. Stillness is okay at times, necessary probably. Flowing May not be possible because we don’t see our experience the world as other people do.
We want to be gentle (we are by habit not gentle). We want to live outside goodness and badness.
Thank you, Rumi, for these words, which give us hope and shared reality:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there