Trigger warning: we are feeling oppressed and want to say painful things that may trigger those with ptsd
We sense that the childhood sexual abuse ruined life for us. Spoiled us like freshly killed meat left to rot.
We learned too much, felt sensations too overwhelming for our precious Little selves. It was overload right away. And every time after.
We had a roommate in a hospital whose parents gave him LSD when he was five, to shut him up.
Developing children cannot experience such intense sensory input. We just can’t handle it.
And now we feel like life is slipping away. We dissociate because we cannot experience the real life before us. Why?
Are we addicted to the stimulation of trauma? We were neglected and stayed up every night for years trying to listen for the abuse or other imagined perpetrators at the back door.
These experiences ruined our mind. We feel depleted.
Are we so dissociative because we are addicted to danger seeking? We read that dissociating can release endogenous opioids. Are we hooked on those?
Before pandemic, we steered toward numbness from attempting stasis. Stillness. As little sensory input as possible when we were alone.
Now, we are almost never alone. And we lost those skills. Where are we? We keep feeling like everyone has a joke that we don’t understand, that everyone is plotting against us, that we are moving at a different pace in a different time and place.
We tune in and out like a radio with a weak antenna. And we can sometimes notice it as it’s happening, and we lack the strength to stay tuned in. And we’re pretty scared to stay tuned out because these delusions feel real and confuse us. Tuning in just doesn’t feel safe either.
Stuck between your world of reality and our world of dissociation. Not in either fully. That’s the not-belonging feeling maybe.
We feel tired and so practicing skills is a challenge. We have gotten out of bed before everyone almost every day for the past decade or more. Today, Spouse got up shortly thereafter, but we tried a sequence of metta meditation anyway—with Spouse nearby. Instead of wishing Spouse away, we leaned on Spouse with Love. Said our metta.
It didn’t calm us noticeably, which makes sense since outcomes aren’t controllable. We wish we could not cling to expectation. But we have anger in us from our trauma.
We resent people.
And we wish we could have more gratitude.
We feel greedy wanting anything to be better than it is. We want to find some contentment. But the trauma makes that so challenging. Where is the great stimulation from abuse and the danger seeking of staying up past exhaustion? We substitute internal competitions and compulsions that drive fear toward panic in order to keep us vigilant.
We really can’t know what causes what. But knowing why might make us feel satisfaction for a moment. Only a moment and then greed will drive us to want more knowledge and more.
Instead of accepting anything, are we supposed to be flowing with? Acceptance is a deferral of flow, isn’t it?
Maybe this period we’re in right now will not lead to more suffering. Everything is temporary, supposedly. But surely trajectories can be witnessed or sensed?
We dreamt of T-1 the other night. T-1 was separate but still cared about us. This was scary and comforting. Scary that we’re not going to see each other in therapy again and scary that T-1 might still care.
We have grown some resentment, which makes sense. Littles lost their chosen parent—T-1–and forced loss can make some me’s angry with loss, longing, etc.
Relationship with new T seems pretty positive. We are very leery of boundaries and so keep some distance. Littles say a lot at once sometimes. It took weeks, but AJ came to a session. Anger seems older, but AJ is little. Brave, like all us’s, but still very young. Not too young to have been forced to do unspeakable things. Poor lovely. Our heart rips for you. We would do anything to make it unhappen for you. You tried so hard to keep us safe. You are a protector. A lovely.
Where will you take this energy? How can you discharge it safely when you are so tired but have such big feelings?
Maybe try to let it pass. See if it eases up. Ride it out. You survived all the original stuff. This will be nothing but an aftershock to you.
But i so tired. so worn down. i can’t keep you safe always. we need helps
Three therapy appointment: Monday Tuesday Wednesday. Then survive their holiday. Hunker down if you have to. Prove nothing to no one. Be gentle and survive.