Churning mind, tired Us

There is so much uncertainty regarding Younger Child’s mental health, especially since this child has shut us out. Because our tolerance of uncertainty is low, we risk guaranteeing the worst outcome in our relationship—withdrawing, getting angry, using power-over—just to meet our need for order.

Finally got to see New-T after T’s two-week holiday. T did check in, which met our needs for partnership and connection but obviously not for support and stability. So today, many people inside rushed up to vent in session.

Someone told New T that T-1 is now on our “unsafe” people list, a short list of birth family members whom we do not trust not to hurt us emotionally when we interact. So much pain in this recognition.

We wrote a letter to T-1 in our mind sharing our unmet needs from our last-ever interaction. And we mentally wrote a reply from T-1 that would be compassionate to us and soften the blow. We had trouble letting the topic go. We obsessed.

We are weepy.

Older Child goes back to college in a week. We are sad. We’ve spent so much time together. We share so much love.

We got us stuck in a snow drift the other day, and a stranger toward us out with a chain. Thank you, compassionate stranger.

We removed our leaky kitchen faucet and installed a new one. We’ve never done anything like that before. It was challenging—not just the directions but the physical demands of lying on our back in a cramped cabinet and trying to use finesse and force. Yuck! We were dizzy for a day or two after. We are worried the faucet will come loose. Obsessing over it.

On New Year’s Eve, a teen lit off commercial grade illegal fireworks near our home. We lost our shit. Screamed, cried, called 911, and then put on noise canceling emergency headphones and felt bonkers.

Stress is high. We’ve been talking to ourselves out loud, which seems less typical. Spouse has noticed a few times.

We have been trying not to think of self-harm and suicide. Maybe we can just think of it and realize it fills the same need as guaranteeing negative relationship outcomes: order. It ditches uncertainty for certainty. Harm is against the values we want to have. But we have a childhood filled with violence: being physically abused, sexually abused, fighting lots of other kids, watching violent media.

We told New T we need help compartmentalizing. If we can know now is just one temporary time, we can put down Younger Child’s future, our past, and carry only awareness and some values into the unknown moment. Sounds unapproachably blissful.

We are drifting outside our body a lot. We went into the actual future by mistake. We didn’t see anything important but still what we did see sort of came true.

Our mother got hospitalized. It turned out to be her heart, which is a new ailment. We have put it out of our mind since we can’t do anything for this person whom we barely know anymore. But some interesting and funny memories have come up.

Here’s one: We didn’t want to read _1984_ and write a paper on it, so she did it for us. It was probably middle school or high school. She got a C. Haha.

5 thoughts on “Churning mind, tired Us

  1. Do you know the practice of Metta? Doing it daily has helped me a lot with challenging relationships. And today, I will send metta to you. May you be happy. May you be healthy. May you be safe & free from suffering. May you be loved & at ease. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I wonder what would happen if her paper got an F.

    Is there a way for Spouse to take the lead with Younger Child’s mental health to help avoid the most unhealthy ways of getting needs met? ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Haha, an F would’ve been hilarious, too.

    Yes. Spouse is more involved in healthy ways than we because Spouse has stronger coping skills. We will practice being compassionate and kind as able. That way, we can attach less to outcomes. With pure intentions, our conscious can be cleaner. Thanks

    Liked by 1 person

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