Spouse rode along with us to get our second vaccine dose. We recognize that the privileges of technology access, mobility, and family support allowed us to schedule this appointment and drive an hour to a rural pharmacy.
Spouse has been reporting vaccine openings on a Facebook group in order to maximize people’s access to information. Spouse has helped multiple people sign up for vaccination. This meets our need for respect
On our way to the vaccination, still in our town, we passed a military convoy headed to “ensure order.” We are not following the news because we feel very fragile. Apparently, we have civil unrest again.
So now we know that police killed another person of color. And the police officer who killed George Floyd is on trial. The region is tense. We were advised by a neighbor to stock up on toilet paper. That seems odd but we remember people worried at the pandemic’s start and we had riots last year over George Floyd’s murder. There military has been deployed, Spouse told us. They are congregating not far from us.
Younger Child continues to lead our family is anti-racist education and action. The actions so far include posting on social media, signing petitions, and donating to relevant causes.
Younger Child reminds us all regularly: posting isn’t enough; you have to take action to advance anti-racism.
Spouse reached out to a person of color recently offering emotional support because that person had opened up to Spouse previously during race-related civil unrest. The acquaintance was not receptive this time, got angry, and told Spouse black people would be offended by the offer of emotional support.
Spouse was surprised and sad. Younger Child said part of Spouse’s role must be to listen to venting, help the acquaintance feel better, and keep trying to find ways to support. That person does not want Spouse’s words, so Spouse now knows how not to support that person. That person does not want Spouse’s support right now.
Spouse tried to create connection. It did not succeed. This was just one time. People of color have more hardship than that. Spouse can receive empathy and compassion from us and prepare to keep being an ally. We are fragile so we don’t want to judge Spouse. Intent matters
Black Lives Matter.
What does our second vaccination dose mean for our life? We will go to the dentist next month for the first time in more than a year. This will help our teeth and gums. Also, the dentist is one of our breast friends, so we can renew our in-person connection.
Being around other people is hard. It was before pandemic, too. The nice lady giving us vaccine today said we looked very nervous even masked. We said it was being around people after so much shelter-in-place. She was nice. People tend to be now that we look like an adult capable of self-preservation.
But we feel like the kids who were abused, neglected, harmed. So we still feel unsafe.
And we keep inviting our pinky tots by smashing them into furniture and doorways. Yesterday, we caught pinky on fireplace grate. Lots of blood and pain. Scary, especially after the injection. Spouse and Younger Child helped us stop bleeding, clean, and bandage. It feels better today. We are current on tetanus vaccination
New T had a death in the family so we’re seeing a colleague of New T. This person was nice in our first meeting. It was scary to meet a person. We will meet again one more time. Then New T will hopefully return.
T-2 is still here weekly so that Stability helps.
Older Child got first vaccine dose this week. Younger Child gets second dose next week. Spouse is already vaccinated.
But what does it all mean? We are not “safe” from contagion. It mutates. Aftermath can be lifelong, they say. But it’s new. We don’t know what surviving or what the vaccine would do long-term.
Uncertainty, like life. We can’t attach to outcomes. They are not controllable. Just focus on what choices we make. Try to live non-violence and compassion when possible, if ever.
Vaccination opens some doors for care (dentist, eye doctor, maybe travel). But it doesn’t help our mind yet. We wanted to be alone and couldn’t be due to quarantine. When we are alone—empty nest is coming—how will we adapt?
Uncertain. Wait and see. Live live.
We are trying to grow seeds! They are growing faster than online resources led us to believe! So we have some transplanting to do. Learning is so hard: mental resources are limited, attention is limited, interest is limited, energy is low, depression and trauma and ocd and dissociation take much of our energy. So we try over the course of days and weeks to figure it out.
When we are at our most resourceful, inside people who know we are multiple try to negotiate more resourcefulness. This takes more energy than anything. T-2 says it builds neuropathways, which is slow and powerful. Meaning worth the effort.
If you want to tell us how you are or what resonated for you, we will plan to reply to comments