We are being asked to do more for someone we love than feels reasonable. We told them so today, in writing, and haven’t heard back yet.
We described our feelings and said our unmet need is for Partnership. We described doing supportive tasks alone for them, and feeling overwhelmed. And we asked for sharing of the load with some specific tasks.
Like us, this person is limited in resources. So partnership seems like it would help us but could be a challenge for the other party. No one else is available to help that we know of, unless the other person recruits a helper.
We will have to see if partnership meets their needs, too. If not, we may have to pull back. The consequences will be significant. But not life or death.
Unlike the other area in which we lack balance. Our parent is dying. We got a call from the other parent last evening saying that this could be the end. We are the last person anyone would reach out to. But no one else was available: two family members were out of town and two were at a performance with phones silenced.
So we went to the aid of a parent who scares us and to possibly say goodbye to a parent with whom we have little contact either and an ambiguous relationship.
The dying parent awoke and we were asked to help with some care tasks. This was emotionally very difficult for us.
Then the dying parent had a breathing attack and put us on the spot to communicate final words. It was very stressful and scary
This parent shared last communication words with us, too, which were very hard to hear.
This parent didn’t die yesterday, is having a rebound day today. The healthcare providers told the other parent it will be like this: up and down.
Life span could be weeks. Months seems like a stretch but we’re no experts and don’t want to set expectations.
We are upset at these two life imbalances plus another impending one:
We will have an empty nest in a little over a month. We are not speculating on what that will be like. But it will be a major life change. From busy house bordering on chaos to potentially silent (if Spouse’s work returns to in-person).
Balance in every area of life seems unattainable or realistic even as a goal. Balance in overall life is right now unrealistic. When the nest is empty, FaceTime may provide some balance—if we set boundaries.
If we let ourselves be on call 24/7, we will not experience balance.
We are grateful to have therapy, even though T-2 canceled last week (health) and New T is out this week (vacation).
Therapists translate our reality for us. What New T does is jot down notes of what we say and gives them to us at session’s end. And reading these seems to make coherent sense in ways that speaking doesn’t. Different parts speak throughout the session—while others may be unaware—and being able to read it all at once afterwards is unbelievably illuminating!
Such an easy task for New T, and it may change our awareness. We’re not sure where this will lead us, if anywhere.
New T wants us to consider some risky strategies to try to provide relief. That tells us New T perceives imbalance. We are not planning suicide, not really thinking about it. We are trying to survive these imbalances.
Grateful for our current Ts, who are helping in compassionate ways