Connection and the link with Authenticity

What is our status of connecting with ourselves and with outside people?

What is our nature? What are our needs?

Status: we might feel so scared of being vulnerable and being hurt that we ensure a level of disconnection.

We have felt wounded via interactions with outside people. It started when we were young. We were petrified of danger at night as a child, and our needs for nurturing, support, and safety went unmet.

We lost our friend group all at once at school one day about age 11–boys and girls. We were ostracized. A few friends remained available to us, but the friends group rejected us. This may contribute to present-day mistrust of people.

We were rejected, ostracized, and scorned by some in our community due to religious difference. We directly experienced violence. We were raised to be mistrustful of people outside our parents’ faith.

More recently, we lost a therapist during the pandemic, and we did not achieve mutual understanding. We still mourn this loss.

Sexual abuse is a significant contributor to mistrust of self and outside people. As a child, we were tricked into participating in life-changing acts based on other’s needs for sexual expression. We worry about being tricked. We still fear that something pleasant will turn out to be dangerous and traumatizing. Lots of internal confusion and conflict.

We are starting our Nonviolent Communication daily meditation book again. It says that connection is the natural state of humans.

We have been avoiding connection: we have one active in-person friendship left, and it’s that person’s persistence that has kept it intact. We feel close to one person even in a house with three other people. We are scared of and often loathing of selves. That last one makes us sad.

Do we desire connection? We think that therapist we no longer see was unhealthy for us in many ways. It’s probably complex: some positives and negatives. But the lack of closure is nagging. Mom died a few months ago. Before she passed, she invited us to say whatever we wanted. We said we blame no one. That everyone is doing their best always. She asked if we really meant that. We do. And we appreciate some closure there.

But do we desire connection? Maybe authenticity of self—to be seen and heard—is the prerequisite need? Do we know how we want to represent us? We don’t want to have to plan for it. T2 wants us to regularly practice being our most resourced selves. But when we’re scared, which is really fucking often in social situations, we are Littles. And we don’t think people can handle the different us’s. We are scared to try. Scared to be vulnerable. So we guarantee our disconnection.

We want to make friends with whom we can be us—just be. But that seems challenging. We don’t even do that with our family, including Spouse, at least not intentionally. Maybe we need to stay there. Be more us—just allowing, with fewer masks. And then see how to be the most resourced us.

Perhaps we’re spending so much energy fighting with us that we can’t figure out what is and isn’t resourceful.

Try to just be. Authentically. And figure out choices from there.

9 thoughts on “Connection and the link with Authenticity

  1. I’m sorry. It’s hard when the lessons we learn as children come from places of fear and violence. It’s hard to believe that pain isn’t always what will come from other people. To just be would be wonderful, but I also find it scary.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I/we felt very drawn to this post and could resonate deeply with almost everything you’ve written here. I just wish I had found this site sooner. You are so brave to put your thoughts and experiences in words for us all to read. And you do it so seemingly effortlessly though I’m sure if your experience is anything like mine I am sure it is not effortless. Thank you for being a steward in blog writing and the example to follow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Writing here can help us make understanding for ourself. But language often comes up short for describing our experience because so many things are true at one time for us. Life is so complex. And conventional use of language seems to promote simplicity: binaries, labels, judgments. Our life feels more complex than good/bad.

      Liked by 1 person

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