This is our first chunk of time alone at home in weeks while we have some resources available. Aaahhhh. We thought we’d have more frequent alone time and have not. Or maybe we did and didn’t have the resources to use it. We are low on compassion, caring, and high on shame. So we’re trying … Continue reading S p a c e
Author: wediditptsd
Updates on life
Dietician We have met with Dr. L three times. Doctor is gentle and friendly. We have been tracking our Hunter using a rating scale. It has been a challenge to check in with our body so often and we don’t always have a hunger rating. Lack of tagging means low hunger (1-2/10). We have been … Continue reading Updates on life
The past is context. Now is now.
When we feel sad and lonely and depressed, we often blame ourself and want to escape (avoid, dissociate). We feel this way upon waking up. If we contextual it—we’ve experienced trauma—then we hope that context removes blame and creates understanding. One barrier is that it’s hard to stop there. When we’re triggered, we often flash … Continue reading The past is context. Now is now.
New providers for us
After two months of trying to find a dietician, we saw one for the first time this week! New T found dietician for us. Thank you! Dietician says insurance will probably cover appointments. If not, the clinic will not charge us for the first appointment and we will try to work something out. It still … Continue reading New providers for us
How to turn judgment into understanding
Nonviolent Communication views all humans as sharing the same universal needs. While the lists of needs may vary from one organization or adherent to the next, the point is that humans are human—so their needs are the same. The differences in human behavior can be accounted for by differences in strategies used to meet those … Continue reading How to turn judgment into understanding
Why does Dissociative Identity Disorder exist?
On the way to session, someone reminded us why we had DID. The diagnosis made sense with losing time and discontinuous experience. But the revealing evidence to us of the in-brain divisions was in the hospital circa summer of 2018. Our therapist there assigned us homework to document all the trauma we’d ever experienced. We … Continue reading Why does Dissociative Identity Disorder exist?
Connection and the link with Authenticity
What is our status of connecting with ourselves and with outside people? What is our nature? What are our needs? Status: we might feel so scared of being vulnerable and being hurt that we ensure a level of disconnection. We have felt wounded via interactions with outside people. It started when we were young. We … Continue reading Connection and the link with Authenticity
Reparations now
From Black Lives Matter: Structural discrimination will only be fully addressed through reparations. Because for too long, we’ve been forced to face systems of oppression and racial discrimination in every sphere. From Jim Crow policies to the War on Drugs all the way to the present, strategic systemic racism has impacted all Black people in … Continue reading Reparations now
Take our time
We are finding it challenging to use skills to cope with depression and panic. In addition to three times per week therapy sessions, we are in a weekly skills group that focuses on psychoeducation regarding trauma's effects on the brain and on DBT skills to change behavior. We have a history of unsuccessful DBT applications, … Continue reading Take our time
Trauma Skills Group
We got into the weekly skills group! We need to refresh coping skills and are hopeful this will benefit us
How it’s different when we are missing some of the us’s
Yesterday, we were with our surviving parent (other parent passed away two months ago). This parent had surgery yesterday. Our only sibling provided pre-dawn transportation and was planning to spend the recommended 24 hours with parent to ensure safe recovery (it was a brief, low-invasiveness procedure but of a very serious nature). We were asked … Continue reading How it’s different when we are missing some of the us’s
Goodbye, that life
Goodbye! You know you’re our best friend because we tell you that and you tell us that We appreciated your honesty this past week. We tried to be empathetic but often felt overwhelmed and wanted to fix it. We think you’ll get into a routine and find joy with your friends. Life won’t get easier, … Continue reading Goodbye, that life
Facing fears, allowing pain
We are in the quiet room at therapy. We forgot our pen in T’s office so we’re writing this way instead We have lots of confusion! Experience doesn’t make sense to us. The minutes aren’t stitched together as “one thing.” To us they aren’t an hour, a meal, a morning. We are just surviving a … Continue reading Facing fears, allowing pain
Advice for challenging times, like the death of a loved one
This morning, one of our therapists emailed to support us. New T advised us to endure this experience with patience, to show up, and to fall back on our values This may be among the most useful advice we ever received. Spouse kept reminding us of it during the funeral today, and it did help … Continue reading Advice for challenging times, like the death of a loved one
Mom died
Goodbye, mommy! It’s me, Little I said goodbye to you and then the next day you died. That makes me sad Tomorrow, you go into the ground. I don’t like that idea. I wish you had done the fire thing instead. But i like that you’re doing what you choose I asked you if you … Continue reading Mom died
Where is balance?
We are being asked to do more for someone we love than feels reasonable. We told them so today, in writing, and haven’t heard back yet. We described our feelings and said our unmet need is for Partnership. We described doing supportive tasks alone for them, and feeling overwhelmed. And we asked for sharing of … Continue reading Where is balance?
Adulthood
We tried to keep our traumas hidden from you while protecting you from similar dangers. We wanted to wait until you started a family, if you so choose that, to tell you so that you could protect your kids We didn’t want you to know so early in life how awful the world can be. … Continue reading Adulthood
We don’t have to love ourself?
When we went in-patient for the first time almost five years ago, we wanted goals. Context (short version): We were drowning in shame from childhood trauma memories. Being productive while away from home for five weeks seemed important. Maybe from authors we read and therapists we had, we got the idea that we must love … Continue reading We don’t have to love ourself?
Call to action: petition
The USA needs compassionate first responders trained to deescalate mental health crises so that a call for help doesn’t become a death sentence, as it can especially for people of color. This is a call for reform to public health so that police trained to incarcerate or enact violence are not deployed in mental health … Continue reading Call to action: petition
Rock song emoji game, part 1
Each emoji combination makes a song title. Most are classic rock. Some combinations are literal; some are more conceptual. Words like a/an, the, of, in, on, with are implied. Feel free to list your guesses in the comments. Hope it’s fun! 🔥 ⬇️ 🏠🇺🇸 🥧👁 👧✈️✊ 👼🏽 🚪👋🏻 👋🏻 💕🎟 🎟 🏝🃏👎🏻 💊🚕👁 🚫 🚘 … Continue reading Rock song emoji game, part 1
Fourth of July celebrates violence, genocide
We are in the US living on stolen land from Indigenous peoples. White people stole black and brown people from other lands to be our slaves, killed the Bison, dug up the prairies, cut down the trees, and genocided the original inhabitants of the current USA. The oppression of non-whites continues today, this minute. What … Continue reading Fourth of July celebrates violence, genocide
Mental health disorders and police reform in the US
Being mentally ill or experiencing a mental health crisis can increase your chances of death by police in the US, especially if you do not have access to supportive crisis resources and particularly if you are non-white. As published on The Hill, according to authors of newly proposed US federal legislation, people with untreated mental … Continue reading Mental health disorders and police reform in the US
Taking action: George Floyd, one year later
May 25, 2021, marks exactly one year since George Floyd was murdered. A year ago, we realized the power of our collective voice as we took to the streets in the name of justice. We realized that when we refuse to tolerate oppression, we can make people listen. Today is a Virtual Day of Action … Continue reading Taking action: George Floyd, one year later
Practicing skills when “calm”
Coping with big emotions is a challenge. For us, big emotions feel urgent and overwhelming. When we struggle to catch our breath, many of our traumas are triggered. Breath is so underrated. A deep inhale followed by a big sigh or prolonged exhale can feel so restorative. In fact, catching our breath is the goal … Continue reading Practicing skills when “calm”
Updates on life events
Spouse rode along with us to get our second vaccine dose. We recognize that the privileges of technology access, mobility, and family support allowed us to schedule this appointment and drive an hour to a rural pharmacy. Spouse has been reporting vaccine openings on a Facebook group in order to maximize people’s access to information. … Continue reading Updates on life events
Anchors to humanity
We have unmet need for Safety. We are always looking for risks, dangers. Is there a way to look for evidence we are safe? The one person we’re not feeling safe about is us: we are worried our behavior will turn violent or will embarrass us or humiliate us. In that case, another unmet need … Continue reading Anchors to humanity
Responsibility as a goal
If we do not attempt to meet our needs, who will? If we wait to be rescued, we are putting our agency on hold, staking our life’s fulfillment on others. If they are well-adjusted, they know they cannot be responsible for our existence or even our contentment. Thus, we will wait in anger. We can … Continue reading Responsibility as a goal
What to expect from COVID-19 rapid test at CVS
(We/us pronouns) We had a Covid-19 rapid test today at CVS Pharmacy. We signed up for it online, which included insurance information and a photo of the insurance card (both sides). We got a same-day appointment (on a Sunday) very close to our home. Rapid test gives results in 15 minutes! The other test via … Continue reading What to expect from COVID-19 rapid test at CVS
As parents’ lives run short
Parents updated us by phone on mom’s cancer. It spread from lungs to liver and brain. So that is not ideal. Functioning of those organs is not yet impaired, so chemo and eventually radiation will be used (again) to slow it. It’s not curable but they’ll try to treat it to prolong life. She said … Continue reading As parents’ lives run short
Limbo: mental health provider shortage
IOP hospital wants to discharge Younger Child but Outpatient Hospital will not accept YC because they say YC is too sick. Not sick enough for Provider A and too sick for Provider B. Sounds like Goldilocks. So Provider A referred us to yet another potential provider. They have a 16-week waitlist for Eating Disorders treatment! … Continue reading Limbo: mental health provider shortage
Pandemic: prolonged mental health crises
Both children are in distress. Older Child has reached the point of 100% stress, 100% of the time. This is the point Younger Child reached last Fall. We are beside ourself with worry for them. We are recommending that Older Child consider mental health support. Spouse wonders if Older Child might move back home (classes … Continue reading Pandemic: prolonged mental health crises
In Now we must trust
(We use plural pronouns) We are working with New T on sitting with powerful emotions. Feeling hopeless and despair is uncomfortable. We normally dissociate instead of ride it out. New T had us use bilateral stimulation to activate both sides of brain. Having T with us allowed us to just be in pain for a … Continue reading In Now we must trust
Messy life (redundant)
Older Child returned to college yesterday. We are bewildered and morose, funereal, weepy. First Covid case in our extended family, a niece. She and her friends tested (negative) before going to a resort together. Niece is the only one so far with Covid. So far very sore throat, taste and smell gone, fever. We hardly … Continue reading Messy life (redundant)
Churning mind, tired Us
There is so much uncertainty regarding Younger Child’s mental health, especially since this child has shut us out. Because our tolerance of uncertainty is low, we risk guaranteeing the worst outcome in our relationship—withdrawing, getting angry, using power-over—just to meet our need for order. Finally got to see New-T after T’s two-week holiday. T did … Continue reading Churning mind, tired Us
Goal setting
We started _Peaceful Living _, a Nonviolent Communication daily meditation book (author Mary Mackenzie). January 1 is goal setting, with the parameters of being (1) specific and (2) positively worded (what you want, not what you don’t want). We also revisited important unmet needs of ours so that our goals are aligned with meeting important … Continue reading Goal setting
Scarcity obsessions and associated compulsions (OCD)
We are trying to name and notice some of our obsessions and associated rituals. We might try ERP (exposure/response prevention) on our own to free us from some shackles. Here are some: Cleaning The bath towels fit in two piles (side-by-side) in the drawer. We arrange them so that no similar colors come up side … Continue reading Scarcity obsessions and associated compulsions (OCD)
Be gentle and survive
Trigger warning: we are feeling oppressed and want to say painful things that may trigger those with ptsd We sense that the childhood sexual abuse ruined life for us. Spoiled us like freshly killed meat left to rot. We learned too much, felt sensations too overwhelming for our precious Little selves. It was overload right … Continue reading Be gentle and survive
Why don’t things work as intended?
Why don’t products we buy work as they are designed? Food packaging So many packages of food have a tear strip that is supposed to come off and reveal a resealable baggie (like the seams on a sandwich bag): Often these strips won’t tear at all, even at the designated “tear here” location.If they do … Continue reading Why don’t things work as intended?
Stress is a choice that takes lots of practice
We went into nature with Older Child all day yesterday. We woke up and hit the road long before sunrise. We birded in a national forest all morning. Birds were scarce; trees were abundant. We saw not a single person or other vehicle all morning on the forest roads. We drove with the windows open … Continue reading Stress is a choice that takes lots of practice
Brave enough to cook a turkey?
Lots of energy in our house. Feels crowded. At night, we feel oppressed by it, threatened because we think people are scheming against us. They are absolutely not. This is delusion and trauma. It is morning. We are preparing the turkey before we cook it. We can see our lack of compassion to self and … Continue reading Brave enough to cook a turkey?
Time travel, map travel
On a walk with Spouse today, we stopped suddenly. Spouse is used to this: do you need to hold on to me? No, we said. Where are we? We were one block over, about a 3-minute walk from home. We just couldn’t understand what we were seeing. We had no previous perception of this angle … Continue reading Time travel, map travel
Doomsday scenarios
COVID is raging in the US. Our local schools reverted to all distance learning this week with no notice. The schools aren’t transmitting infection; the community is. But so many students and staff are getting COVID (from community activities, such as restaurants and social gatherings) that contact tracing is becoming too big a job for … Continue reading Doomsday scenarios
Disorders, thought distortions, and new therapists
Super depressed. Younger Child’s health struggles are hitting us hard. We are paralyzed with resisting and craving. We continue to feel responsible for most things that happen—especially everything others in our life find unpleasant As Younger Child struggles, our cognitive distortion’s mount: YC will be unhappy forever. We can’t live like this. We have to … Continue reading Disorders, thought distortions, and new therapists
Thank you, T-2, for trying
T-2 is committed to helping us stay alive. We told T-2 if we can make it to Thanksgiving, we can make it until the end of the year because we have something that will uplift us for those 6 weeks. T-2 offered to call a prospective T we found through calling, calling, and calling. This … Continue reading Thank you, T-2, for trying
White privilege: Established by force. End date TBD
We use we/us pronouns. When trying to grasp the concept of white privilege in the United States and Canada, and even anti-racism as we see it, it might help to consider the colonization of the land and genocide against the indigenous inhabitants. So much of colonial perspective is taken for granted by the colonizer, in … Continue reading White privilege: Established by force. End date TBD
We don’t quit
Trigger warning: self-harm, blood, anger, despair We reached out to 3 mental health clinics and 3 individual therapists this week requesting in-person therapy. Five responses: no. We have not heard from one clinic. No one has referred us to anyone who is seeing clients in person. We are amazed people return our emails. We always … Continue reading We don’t quit
Early Winter
All people do their best. Since we are people, we will hurt other people, succumb to base urges, like greed, and experience pain. Rolling with life is a challenge for us. The pain we are experiencing is acute, and we have so many voices in our head! Crying Littles. Judgments. Advice for how to act. … Continue reading Early Winter
Survival soup
Trigger warnings: blood, trauma, self-harm, disordered eating, etc. When we want control, our go-to is to withhold food from us. While it may not sound ideal to starve children, and it isn’t, please know it’s the children doing the starving of the body. When we get sick from hunger, getting food in us can be … Continue reading Survival soup
Nerves. Practicing flexibility
Younger Child started php for mental health. This could improve all of our lives. We have been saying life has many paths: school can wait, college isn’t required for living. Focus on health and well-being. Relieve suffering. Now, there is a chance to relieve suffering. You know us: we feel other people’s feelings, especially pain. … Continue reading Nerves. Practicing flexibility
Learning to live with DID— again
Since we started weaning off meds, we have been dizzy and nauseous hourly. No abatement. Hunger—even a little—exacerbates the sickness. Now that we know that, we are trying to nip it in the bud as it intensifies. Eat as healthfully as we can. We used to have this level of vertigo, before our DID diagnosis. … Continue reading Learning to live with DID— again
Planting seeds in life’s autumn
Withdrawal spiked yesterday and we were crying and inviting death. Spouse was attentive. That really helped us to survive. Spouse kept saying this is not permanent. It will pass. That is one fear: that it is permanent and won’t pass. We slept a lot during the day. Nausea and dizziness walloped us. We tried to … Continue reading Planting seeds in life’s autumn
Wait at the intersection
The meds that helped us get off xanax are themselves leaving our system. We have chosen no meds. Why? We don’t remember what we know and do not know. We know we are low on skills. But we don’t know what we need Now. We used to have energy. We used to have a fire … Continue reading Wait at the intersection
Eyes closed until the ride stops
Is “try harder” possible? We are feeling trapped. OCD might play av party because we like rules. Breaking rules—or seeing with fresh eyes—helps get new ideas. Energetically, we cannot seem to keep boundaries. We feel other’s feelings. We aren’t sure how not to. That is why we like being alone. To recharge. Practice. Be free. … Continue reading Eyes closed until the ride stops
We want to slow it down
These are forecasted to be the final warm days of the year here. Autumn has often been a melancholy time for us. Suicidal ideation often spikes as the leaves fall. We think the trigger was the annual return to school as a child, which augured suffering because we could not sleep at night. Summer allowed … Continue reading We want to slow it down
Is the pandemic over or continuing?
COVID-19 pandemic is not over in our house. We are still social distancing. Some people act like it is over, and we do not want to judge a view as right or wrong. We walked with Spouse this weekend and saw elementary school kids playing organized American football—close contact among players, coaches, and parents with … Continue reading Is the pandemic over or continuing?
What’s going on with us
We usually write when we have something to say or if we want support. This post does not fulfill either of those. We are just writing so that people know what is going on in case they are interested. Older Child will return to college in a few weeks. All classes are online. So why … Continue reading What’s going on with us
What now ?
Tried another new therapist. Stopped after two sessions. Not a suitable fit. We received an ultimatum in the second appointment, and that did not meet our needs for Autonomy and safety. Going to try to drive the 37 minutes each way to see T-3 this week in addition to seeing T-2. Back to the basics. … Continue reading What now ?
Start (resume) where you are
We have lost much ground in: Being in our bodyMeditating Feeling any contentment Physical strength Therapeutic relationshipsHealing our traumas Cooperating internally Having friendships Expressing our gender We have gained ground in: Being compassionate to Younger ChildGetting off benzosAdjusting to new normals Things may not go back to the old normal. There is no knowing. Even … Continue reading Start (resume) where you are
Still going
We have been doing the work of survival. It makes sense we haven’t been in our body. Perspective is hard to find. We don’t recognize our experience because the meds are new and withdrawal is ongoing So we injured the body twice. This fragile container is healing. We haven’t gone birdwatching for a few weeks. … Continue reading Still going
Inclusive Patriotism
USA Fourth of July is almost here. Patriotism means different things to different people—maybe more so this year with the prominence of the Black Lives Matter movement and some resistance to it. In our home, we will all be wearing black—instead of red, white, and blue—on July Fourth in solidarity for ending systemic racism. The … Continue reading Inclusive Patriotism
Puzzling over exclusion
We have stopped solving The New York Times crossword and stopped using our USA Today book of puzzles
Medication withdrawal
Bodily functions warning ⚠️ Have been tapering down Xanax for more than a month. Stepped down to zero last night. This was not the plan. We were having withdrawal symptoms already. We needed several more days at current dosage. We didn’t crave it as much and thought we’d just get it over with. Slept very … Continue reading Medication withdrawal
If social distancing ends
We have been in COVID long enough for Younger Child to exclaim last week, “I just got upset because the people on the show [“The Office—US version] weren’t social distancing!” We all had a laugh and we were all a little fearful. In about 90 days, Younger Child has an adapted worldview that now recognizes … Continue reading If social distancing ends
Celebrating Juneteenth
We heard of Juneteenth a year or two ago. This year, it is getting more attention because systemic racism is getting more attention since George Floyd was killed by Minneapolis police. You can learn about Juneteenth history. We signed a change.org petition to make Juneteenth a national holiday in the USA. Most US states are … Continue reading Celebrating Juneteenth
Gentleness for cravings
Friend Eliza wrote about an experience that resonates with us. Her blog is here. She wrote about the need for reassurance from a friend that the friend is still there. We have that kind of urgency with T-1. We would urgently need to text T-1 because we panicked T-1 had forgot us. T-1 told us … Continue reading Gentleness for cravings
Closing the empathy gap to enact social change
The empathy gap seems to be a primary barrier to widespread acceptance that institutionalized white racism exists.
Using love to end racism
Our family continues daily to discuss white racism against People of Color, the role of anti-racism, white privilege, and white fragility. We try to include nonviolence in the discussions with family. We try not to judge people. Instead, we extend empathy when possible. It helps us in our desire to improve life if we lead … Continue reading Using love to end racism
Electrifried brain: meds
Have brain zaps. Am so hypervigilant that doors opening and closing in our house are sending us up a wall. Tried to nap. No luck. It might be Xanax withdrawal. We are poor at tapering meds. We have apparently been on it too long. Years. Dangerous. New meds still has us sleepy. Not as much. … Continue reading Electrifried brain: meds
Why we demonstrated
We left the house. Someone got killed. A police officer met some of his own needs without meeting George Floyd’s most important needs. Others watched and did not meet their needs to help George even though they feared he was being killed. It happened very close by. And worlds away based on how we are … Continue reading Why we demonstrated
We love friend Ashley
If you know Ashley, you get it 💕💕❤️❤️
transforming enemy images
We are drained. Are you, too? Can we lean into it? If you are someone benefiting from white privilege, can you see how your black brothers and sisters cannot rest? Can you use that to keep going? For peace? If you have trouble empathizing with others, can you examine your enemy images? Whom do you … Continue reading transforming enemy images
Compassion for change
Maybe take in a deep breath Maybe let it out slowly Maybe repeat this a few times. Maybe sigh if it feels like a release Can we have compassion for ourselves to start? For how we were raised, for what we believed, for questions asked and unasked? Now can we have compassion for those we … Continue reading Compassion for change
Why I Use My Voice to Say Black Lives Matter
Through our shared humanity, all lives matter. So why is it important to talk about black lives mattering? All lives should matter equally. That is …Why I Use My Voice to Say Black Lives Matter
Change you, change the world
We are not well positioned to tell anyone what change is being born. We are not well positioned to name all the ills. So maybe we can suggest how it’s a time that would seem opportune and reasonable to question everything. Every single thing. For those of us who freak out when the co-op sells … Continue reading Change you, change the world
War scheduled tonight
[Update: it is morning and we are safe]
Love as a guide during civil unrest
A message today to our neighbors, near and online: Some People feel unequal and some are resorting to violence. These are two separate things. We acknowledge feelings of inequality. Remember: Hatred never ends hatred but by love alone is healed. Gandhi learned it, Mandela learned it, MLK learned it. Peace alone doesn’t necessarily increase people’s … Continue reading Love as a guide during civil unrest
Self-care amid healthcare chaos
We need an increase in our take-as-needed medication. Our doctor is very responsive to our needs, as we have a history together and we never have abused or misused a medication. Wet have adjusted the dosage down in the past, too, which indicates we are not always wanting increases. We had an appointment scheduled in … Continue reading Self-care amid healthcare chaos
Declining teletherapy before it was cool, and now the risks to life
At one of Dr. Ross’s hospitals, we had the opportunity to have a public (in front of all patients and staff on the Trauma Ward), one-hour therapy session We had seen this session before starting in 2017. Dr. Ross would fly into town, visit the ward, and hold a public therapy session once per week. … Continue reading Declining teletherapy before it was cool, and now the risks to life