Boundaries

Three people we are close to have set new or renewed boundaries with us in the past few weeks, including one today.

We have some self-judgments (harsh) regarding what this says about us. Therapist today, who set boundaries (for the second time in a week), says we are simply trying to get our needs met.

Therapists aren’t judging. We had inconsistent boundaries from parents. We had caregivers who sexually abused us when we were children, and an adult who sexually assaulted us when we were a teen- minor.

So having others set boundaries is scary and confusing. Very much.

All these boundary-setters say they are not mad at us.

Given our history, doesn’t it make sense we struggle with boundaries?

The marital relationship is the boundary we are best at. We are faithful because we love Spouse and understand that part of the boundary.

Some other boundaries are nuanced enough that we are crossing other people’s lines.

We are confused and want to not judge ourselves so harshly. Language has been hard. We are not talking much in therapy. We are not writing much. We are considering canceling therapy sessions.

We hear so much about the importance of *setting* healthy boundaries. What do we do when we’re the ones violating others’ boundaries?

Listen more for needs: theirs and ours.

Our life experiences make confusion. Our DID makes confusion. Hypervigilance makes confusion.

These obstacles could easily allow us to give up. Maybe we will.

And maybe we will somehow find compassion and start from where we are Now.

7 thoughts on “Boundaries

  1. I would guess that most people with a complex trauma history struggle with boundaries. I’m trying to think of a good analogy for boundaries, but can’t really think of anything that’s a great fit. I guess one way to think of it is what you would wear outside on a day with particular weather. Some days you want something warm and fuzzy, some days you want to keep the rain or the wind out, and some days you want to let the warm breeze in.

    Boundaries are a way of deciding what to let in given certain conditions. A therapist wears a therapist jacket, and for a therapist to function effectively, that coat allows some things in and keep some things out. With Spouse you might put on a big cozy blanket that keeps the two of you wrapped up together.

    What kind of jacket someone is wearing isn’t necessarily obvious to other people, and that’s where open communication and compassion come in.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. You are good with analogies
      Thanks for this. We appreciate you.

      These relationships we’re writing about are changing, and the other party initiated boundary setting.
      We are panicking. Scrambled brain. Fear. We are supposed to be safe now. So maybe we can reset. Know this fear will pass.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. You are brave to be the one to bring it up.

      Thanks for validating our confusion. We are so different from everyone else that we get scared and alienated feeling. It’s helpful when people are nice. Thanks for being so nice

      Liked by 1 person

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