We don’t quit

Trigger warning: self-harm, blood, anger, despair

We reached out to 3 mental health clinics and 3 individual therapists this week requesting in-person therapy. Five responses: no. We have not heard from one clinic. No one has referred us to anyone who is seeing clients in person.

We are amazed people return our emails. We always thank them, even though the news is devastating. Cumulatively. They don’t know that. They don’t care. T-1 knows our situation and still abruptly ended our therapy.

We found a partial hospitalization program of interest, but we are too afraid to call and find out if they are meeting in person.

We feel anger. AJ feels like we are not going to find anyone, and we should pursue a violent path. We are trying to aim low, like maybe break objects or yell or have a tantrum.

Toileting is very challenging due to these judgments of rejection and worthlessness and hopelessness. Since we went off medication, we are urinating every few hours and 2-3 times during the middle of the night. Getting back to sleep is difficult, but we are not panicking. We remain calm and eventually fall asleep.

We dissociate while peeing. We try not to but it’s no use now. Having to pee is a trigger and peeing is a trigger. We try not to look at our body. We force out the pee fast until it burns and then we just try to finish as fast as possible with less pain.

When we move our bowels, we are having trouble stopping wiping. We wipe until we bleed and then we keep on wiping. We feel dirty. Blood feels dirty too. When we have not showered in a few days, Younger Child willwill ask, have you showered? We don’t smell. It just shows in its appearance.

Showering involves our body, but we take off our glasses and keep our eyes closed.

Still dizzy, nauseous multiple times per day. Trying not to take meds for that. If we eat enough, those symptoms are lessened.

We went to family group at Younger Child’s PHP today. We subtly presented the gender we wanted but no one could tell. E wanted a pill for anxiety and muscle spasms but we don’t have medication anymore.

Younger Child’s hospital has adult trauma PHP, but we know going there would infringe on Younger Child’s space. Going there could be an option once YC is done. They meet online but the patients go to the hospital and sometimes see a therapist in person

Meeting online does not work for us. We dissociate. It feels unreal. We do not feel the connection.

So many things we can’t do.

We do keep going. Want to help Younger Child apply to colleges this weekend. Momentous.

We cooked dinner this week for the first time in ages. It was edible.

The dryer is still not working correctly, so we deconstructed the dryer vent ducts, vacuumed out the decades of accumulated lint, and assembled the ducts. We are not handy in general, so this was mastery of a whole new level for us.

We slept alone last night. We were lonely. We survived.

Earliest onset of winter of our lives. Gray skies.

Our back went out. We went for walk with Spouse anyway.

The feelings are big right now.

8 thoughts on “We don’t quit

  1. I’m glad you were able to find a workable solution to the dryer vent issue. Unexpected mastery makes for a pleasant surprise.

    I hope that somehow a PHP can happen sooner rather than later. You are all so very deserving of help, simply by virtue of being suffering humans. ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Big feelings. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that feelings are all temporary. They feel like they’ve been here forever and won’t ever go away. That’s when despair creeps in. And there is such a fine line between self preservation and self harm. The balance gets thrown off. Call the php program. Find out. Take the steps. Keep going. You have to care for your selves.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reminders. And explanation. Everything you say about impermanence and despair resonates. It feels so familiar.

      We need to prepare how to handle “no” from this php before we can call. The “no” we got last night from a clinic that sounded amazing (mind body healing) engendered violent tendencies.


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