Your invitation to dance with us

In Nonviolent Communication (NVC), connection is listed as one of the shared human needs. In polyvagal theory, connection is a hallmark of the regulated, safe ventral state. Connection is a human need, and one’s desire to connect and ability to connect can be signs of regulation, safety. We desire to connect. And our need is …

Slavery is still legal and practiced in the USA

This is not hyperbole. The US Constitution allows legal slavery as punishment for incarcerated individuals. It’s an exception to the 13th Amendment. Here is a plea from Worth Rises, an abolitionist organization we follow, to contact your US representatives (if you live in the US) to abolish slavery once and for all: https://endtheexception.com/ It's not …

DID Awareness Day

Sometime this week is a day like this post is titled. One characteristic often shared by us DID folks is a confused relationship with time. This is because we have inside lives going on in which the parts of our psyche are trapped in "trauma time," the months and years of their trauma. So it's …

DID: how are we connected?

At times, we have felt confused about how we are connected to the people in our life. For example, we spend the most time with our Spouse. DID Therapist says it makes sense that Littles might think Spouse is our parent and even call her by a parental moniker. Littles are trapped in trauma time, …

COVID enters our house (finally)

Older Child had COVID twice at college. Spouse and we have not gotten it, nor had Younger Child. Younger Child was exposed on Friday; the person didn't have symptoms then. Today, YC had some congestion and tested: positive (faint line). YC retested: positive (faint line). So YC is holed up in bedroom with door closed. …

Protect endangered species and habitats

The US Endangered Species Act (ESA) was weakened by the last President. Habitats can be destroyed (for logging, mining, development, whatever) to the detriment of endangered species. This is a letter to the current administration to reverse all the rollbacks that threatenspecies, habitats, climate, Earth, and—thus—all of us. The current administration is proposing some changes …

Unpacking overwhelm

Trying to meet our needs for progress and order are on our mind Younger Child moved home for summer this week. We do not keep a tidy house. Adding TC’s possessions is contributing to our sense of overwhelm. We want some order. We also care about YC’s needs, and YC needs some ease after finishing …

Latest goings-on

Spouse has 6 radiation treatments remaining. The final few will be more targeted to the area of the removed tumor. Spouse has been lower energy and has burning and flaking at the radiation site. The doctor said this will likely intensify even a week or two after treatments stop. Spouse has been somewhat depressed. We …

Little body

What we internalized from being a child is that we are just a little body: a body for big people to have sex with, a body for big people to hit, a body that is supposed to be invisible otherwise, a body that feeds itself breakfast and lunch, a body that must comfort itself at …

Big Feels

We feel depressed and dreadful and shameful and disgusted Unmet needs are shared reality, to be seen and known, closeness, space, ease, peace, compassion, balance, rest The feelings are hard to stick with because we do not like experiencing them. So they come out hard: panic, constricted breathing, collapse. The swing from hyper to hypoarousal …

Caregiving updates

Spouse saw oncologist. Summary of appointment: Onco recommended that Spousr *not* do Chemo!! The potential benefit was small enough to not be worth the side effects. Spouse is relieved and thrilled! Spouse will need to take hormone blocking pills for an estimated 7 years. The premise is that the surgery removed the bulk of the …

wanted: a friend with empathy who is not actively suicidal

Got the text today from our friend's family that she chose to not live anymore Friend last texted us January 18. We had continued to text "into the void": videos of our snow because Friend lived in the desert and loved snow videos; the news of Spouse's cancer; Mike's passing recently; cancer updates; our worries …

Caregiving and life updates

Spouse continues to heal from cancer surgery. We visited the surgeon this week, who said all is healing as expected. There is fluid around the surgical sites that surgeon said the body will naturally reabsorb. Surgeon graded the cancer at stage 1 based on size of less than 2cm. Spouse continues to be fatigued but …

Petition to spare a life in Texas

Arthur Brown, Jr. is a man who has been convicted and sentenced to die March 9 but (1) may be innocent, (2) may be intellectually impaired with fetal alcohol syndrome, (3) grew up with numerous adverse childhood experiences, (4) allegedly had evidence suppressed at his trial by the District Attorney showing that other people committed …

Best possible cancer news

Best possible news this morning from the surgeon: Spouse’s tumor was 1.5 cm: this means small Margins were widely negative: this means that surgeon took enough tissue out so that no more surgery is needed on this tumor The two lymph nodes taken were benign: this means the cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes …

Next phase of caregiving journey

Surgery is Wednesday morning. Spouse is nervous and relieved the day is finally here We asked our neighbor who plows thesnow from our driveway if he can make sure it’s clear before we leave because the forecast is for record amounts of snow Starting now, the next 48 hours have forecast 15-31 inches (38-79 cm) …

We valued your friendship, too

We got along with Mike. We both seemed to keep a low profile in the trauma unit. We hung out together on the few fresh air breaks outside each day and generally spent quiet time at the same table doing our own things. We weren’t always a quiet person. We used to be loud and …

Updates on people’s health

We are waiting while Spouse undergoes MRI. They hooked up an IV to do contrast We got up early to make us both breakfast. Everyday, we cook us both eggs, sausage, and homemade blueberry pancakes. Every day. We do not get sick of it. The eggs are usually scrambled (with spinach), though occasionally we fry …

No more police at traffic stops

Black Lives Matter Police are not able to live this. In the USA, this link will let you send a letter to your federal House Representative to ask for unarmed public service officers at minor traffic stops. https://actionnetwork.org/letters/2301_bcf_letters_trafficstops?source=email_bcf_230127_tyre&link_id=6&can_id=dfe8a327efa4a5e4754ca4dbcf85dd6d&email_referrer=email_1799733&email_subject=traffic-stops-shouldnt-be-deadly We customized our letter to reflect our nonviolent communication style. Our letter reads: Tyre Nichols could be …

New journey

The river has a fork in it. We are going down a new stretch Spouse received a cancer diagnosis today. We don’t have all the info needed yet. So we can’t predict the future the way PJ wants The cancer was found through a routine, preventive screening. There’s our public service announcement (PSA) for you …

feelings are scary to us

We are having feelings and sensations we do not recognize. It's tingly and we are thinking of male relatives. We were raised to call these "vibes," and they sometimes foretell ill health. One of our parents tells of our childhood, when we woke up from a nightmare and said we were worried about our uncle …

Death sentence and race: Action request

Short version Black man enters convenience store unarmed, argument ensures with white store clerk, store clerk pulls a gun, they are both shot by the gun, store clerk dies, black man is sentenced to death. Lack of intent never results in death sentence but black on white crime in South Carolina can be like that. …

Refocus on feelings and needs

Each time we cook (and we cook all our own meals plus most meals for the other members of this currently-full house), perfectionism is rendering the process painful The veggies aren’t all cooked the same; the rice is clumpy; the proportion of food components doesn’t fit the dietician’s recommendations; the fried egg yolk broke; and …

Action request: stop executions in the US

From Death Penalty Action: “On December 15, 2022, the United Nations General Assembly is scheduled to vote on a resolution calling for a ‘Moratorium on the Use of the Death Penalty.’ President Biden has articulated a position advocating the abolition of the federal death penalty in the United States and supports measures aimed at reducing …

Amnesia as its own information

At least three times in the past several days, someone has referenced to us an event or occurrence involving us that we do not recognize at all. Full amnesia about it. This is unusual for us. Often something sounds unfamiliar but someone inside us recognizes the reference and can connect us to it in vague …

inconvenient ghosts

We have been feeling Ashley's absence. How do you feel absence? Grief maybe. But more tangibly, we don't have Ashley's words to read, don't have a comments box to dump into. Don't have Ashley's reply with "love yous" and emojis of love. We describe this as grief. We would reply that we love her. Sometimes …

Racism in Minnesota

We recently finished reading Whiteness in Plain View by Chad Montrie, a University of Massachusetts history professor. He said he wrote about Minnesota because people believe it’s a liberal bastion without race problems. After all, the state’s unofficial slogan is “Minnesota nice.” He decided if he could document the history of ongoing white supremacy in …

Voting

If you live in USA, Election Day is Tuesday. If you can, please consider voting. It’s not too late to research candidates and find a way to get to polls Check voter registration status and learn how to vote here: https://www.vote.org/am-i-registered-to-vote/ We voted early by absentee ballot. Our inside people did not agree on all …

Anti-racism: USA action to address environmental racism

If you live in the USA and are concerned that polluting industries disproportionately affect the air and water in communities populated predominantly by People of Color and people of low income, here is a chance to take action. https://earthjustice.org/action/pass-the-environmental-justice-for-all-act This link will allow you to send letters to federal congressional representatives in support of legislation …

Feelings: how to feel them

Trigger warnings: violence We have lost our ability to feel our emotions in a way that meets our needs for order, self-care, safety, movement. What we think is happening is this: as soon as a feeling begins to be felt, protective us's dissociate us from the reality that has the feelings. We think we are …

Considering options amidst our stuckness

Trigger warning: this post discusses lots of stressful, scary shit. We are in one of those cycles of building stress, panic, and urges to do something big to change the channel on our experience. We learn about ourself a lot based on what other people reflect back to us. We do this because we don't …

Mental illness stigma: action request

Minneapolis Star Tribune sports writer Jim Souhan today (July 17, 2022) published a column in which he wrote: “In early July the Timberwolves, ignoring Minnesota PTSD (Player Trades Spurring Depression), traded five players and four first round picks to Utah…”Jim Souhan, Star Tribune (Minneapolis) This makes us angry, sad, and worried about stigma. We sent …

Petition to sign: Stop environmental-based racial oppression

No matter where you live, your action can help! From the Minnesota Center for Environmental Advocacy: The East Phillips neighborhood in Minneapolis is one of the most diverse communities in Minnesota. It is also one of the most overburdened by industrial pollution, with some of the worst air quality in the state, leading to high …

Getting harmful, preventable chemicals out of US food supply

From Earthjustice: A well-established and growing body of scientific studies links phthalate exposure through food and drinks to serious health harms. FDA ruled with petrochemical makers to allow phthalates in US food packaging and production. The dangers fall disproportionately on children and all economically disadvantaged Americans. Through centuries of systemic racism, BIPOC individuals suffer disproportionately …

S p a c e

This is our first chunk of time alone at home in weeks while we have some resources available. Aaahhhh. We thought we’d have more frequent alone time and have not. Or maybe we did and didn’t have the resources to use it. We are low on compassion, caring, and high on shame. So we’re trying …

Updates on life

Dietician We have met with Dr. L three times. Doctor is gentle and friendly. We have been tracking our Hunter using a rating scale. It has been a challenge to check in with our body so often and we don’t always have a hunger rating. Lack of tagging means low hunger (1-2/10). We have been …

The past is context. Now is now.

When we feel sad and lonely and depressed, we often blame ourself and want to escape (avoid, dissociate). We feel this way upon waking up. If we contextual it—we’ve experienced trauma—then we hope that context removes blame and creates understanding. One barrier is that it’s hard to stop there. When we’re triggered, we often flash …

New providers for us

After two months of trying to find a dietician, we saw one for the first time this week! New T found dietician for us. Thank you! Dietician says insurance will probably cover appointments. If not, the clinic will not charge us for the first appointment and we will try to work something out. It still …

How to turn judgment into understanding

Nonviolent Communication views all humans as sharing the same universal needs. While the lists of needs may vary from one organization or adherent to the next, the point is that humans are human—so their needs are the same. The differences in human behavior can be accounted for by differences in strategies used to meet those …

Why does Dissociative Identity Disorder exist?

On the way to session, someone reminded us why we had DID. The diagnosis made sense with losing time and discontinuous experience. But the revealing evidence to us of the in-brain divisions was in the hospital circa summer of 2018. Our therapist there assigned us homework to document all the trauma we’d ever experienced. We …

Connection and the link with Authenticity

What is our status of connecting with ourselves and with outside people? What is our nature? What are our needs? Status: we might feel so scared of being vulnerable and being hurt that we ensure a level of disconnection. We have felt wounded via interactions with outside people. It started when we were young. We …

Reparations now

From Black Lives Matter: Structural discrimination will only be fully addressed through reparations. Because for too long, we’ve been forced to face systems of oppression and racial discrimination in every sphere. From Jim Crow policies to the War on Drugs all the way to the present, strategic systemic racism has impacted all Black people in …

Take our time

We are finding it challenging to use skills to cope with depression and panic. In addition to three times per week therapy sessions, we are in a weekly skills group that focuses on psychoeducation regarding trauma's effects on the brain and on DBT skills to change behavior. We have a history of unsuccessful DBT applications, …

Trauma Skills Group

We got into the weekly skills group! We need to refresh coping skills and are hopeful this will benefit us

How it’s different when we are missing some of the us’s

Yesterday, we were with our surviving parent (other parent passed away two months ago). This parent had surgery yesterday. Our only sibling provided pre-dawn transportation and was planning to spend the recommended 24 hours with parent to ensure safe recovery (it was a brief, low-invasiveness procedure but of a very serious nature). We were asked …

Goodbye, that life

Goodbye! You know you’re our best friend because we tell you that and you tell us that We appreciated your honesty this past week. We tried to be empathetic but often felt overwhelmed and wanted to fix it. We think you’ll get into a routine and find joy with your friends. Life won’t get easier, …

Facing fears, allowing pain

We are in the quiet room at therapy. We forgot our pen in T’s office so we’re writing this way instead We have lots of confusion! Experience doesn’t make sense to us. The minutes aren’t stitched together as “one thing.” To us they aren’t an hour, a meal, a morning. We are just surviving a …

Advice for challenging times, like the death of a loved one

This morning, one of our therapists emailed to support us. New T advised us to endure this experience with patience, to show up, and to fall back on our values This may be among the most useful advice we ever received. Spouse kept reminding us of it during the funeral today, and it did help …

Mom died

Goodbye, mommy! It’s me, Little I said goodbye to you and then the next day you died. That makes me sad Tomorrow, you go into the ground. I don’t like that idea. I wish you had done the fire thing instead. But i like that you’re doing what you choose I asked you if you …

Where is balance?

We are being asked to do more for someone we love than feels reasonable. We told them so today, in writing, and haven’t heard back yet. We described our feelings and said our unmet need is for Partnership. We described doing supportive tasks alone for them, and feeling overwhelmed. And we asked for sharing of …

Adulthood

We tried to keep our traumas hidden from you while protecting you from similar dangers. We wanted to wait until you started a family, if you so choose that, to tell you so that you could protect your kids We didn’t want you to know so early in life how awful the world can be. …

We don’t have to love ourself?

When we went in-patient for the first time almost five years ago, we wanted goals. Context (short version): We were drowning in shame from childhood trauma memories. Being productive while away from home for five weeks seemed important. Maybe from authors we read and therapists we had, we got the idea that we must love …

Call to action: petition

The USA needs compassionate first responders trained to deescalate mental health crises so that a call for help doesn’t become a death sentence, as it can especially for people of color. This is a call for reform to public health so that police trained to incarcerate or enact violence are not deployed in mental health …

Rock song emoji game, part 1

Each emoji combination makes a song title. Most are classic rock. Some combinations are literal; some are more conceptual. Words like a/an, the, of, in, on, with are implied. Feel free to list your guesses in the comments. Hope it’s fun! 🔥 ⬇️ 🏠🇺🇸 🥧👁 👧✈️✊ 👼🏽 🚪👋🏻 👋🏻 💕🎟 🎟 🏝🃏👎🏻 💊🚕👁 🚫 🚘 …

Fourth of July celebrates violence, genocide

We are in the US living on stolen land from Indigenous peoples. White people stole black and brown people from other lands to be our slaves, killed the Bison, dug up the prairies, cut down the trees, and genocided the original inhabitants of the current USA. The oppression of non-whites continues today, this minute. What …

Mental health disorders and police reform in the US

Being mentally ill or experiencing a mental health crisis can increase your chances of death by police in the US, especially if you do not have access to supportive crisis resources and particularly if you are non-white. As published on The Hill, according to authors of newly proposed US federal legislation, people with untreated mental …

Taking action: George Floyd, one year later

May 25, 2021, marks exactly one year since George Floyd was murdered. A year ago, we realized the power of our collective voice as we took to the streets in the name of justice. We realized that when we refuse to tolerate oppression, we can make people listen. Today is a Virtual Day of Action …

Practicing skills when “calm”

Coping with big emotions is a challenge. For us, big emotions feel urgent and overwhelming. When we struggle to catch our breath, many of our traumas are triggered. Breath is so underrated. A deep inhale followed by a big sigh or prolonged exhale can feel so restorative. In fact, catching our breath is the goal …

Updates on life events

Spouse rode along with us to get our second vaccine dose. We recognize that the privileges of technology access, mobility, and family support allowed us to schedule this appointment and drive an hour to a rural pharmacy. Spouse has been reporting vaccine openings on a Facebook group in order to maximize people’s access to information. …

Anchors to humanity

We have unmet need for Safety. We are always looking for risks, dangers. Is there a way to look for evidence we are safe? The one person we’re not feeling safe about is us: we are worried our behavior will turn violent or will embarrass us or humiliate us. In that case, another unmet need …

Responsibility as a goal

If we do not attempt to meet our needs, who will? If we wait to be rescued, we are putting our agency on hold, staking our life’s fulfillment on others. If they are well-adjusted, they know they cannot be responsible for our existence or even our contentment. Thus, we will wait in anger. We can …

What to expect from COVID-19 rapid test at CVS

(We/us pronouns) We had a Covid-19 rapid test today at CVS Pharmacy. We signed up for it online, which included insurance information and a photo of the insurance card (both sides). We got a same-day appointment (on a Sunday) very close to our home. Rapid test gives results in 15 minutes! The other test via …

As parents’ lives run short

Parents updated us by phone on mom’s cancer. It spread from lungs to liver and brain. So that is not ideal. Functioning of those organs is not yet impaired, so chemo and eventually radiation will be used (again) to slow it. It’s not curable but they’ll try to treat it to prolong life. She said …

Limbo: mental health provider shortage

IOP hospital wants to discharge Younger Child but Outpatient Hospital will not accept YC because they say YC is too sick. Not sick enough for Provider A and too sick for Provider B. Sounds like Goldilocks. So Provider A referred us to yet another potential provider. They have a 16-week waitlist for Eating Disorders treatment! …

Pandemic: prolonged mental health crises

Both children are in distress. Older Child has reached the point of 100% stress, 100% of the time. This is the point Younger Child reached last Fall. We are beside ourself with worry for them. We are recommending that Older Child consider mental health support. Spouse wonders if Older Child might move back home (classes …

In Now we must trust

(We use plural pronouns) We are working with New T on sitting with powerful emotions. Feeling hopeless and despair is uncomfortable. We normally dissociate instead of ride it out. New T had us use bilateral stimulation to activate both sides of brain. Having T with us allowed us to just be in pain for a …

Messy life (redundant)

Older Child returned to college yesterday. We are bewildered and morose, funereal, weepy. First Covid case in our extended family, a niece. She and her friends tested (negative) before going to a resort together. Niece is the only one so far with Covid. So far very sore throat, taste and smell gone, fever. We hardly …

Churning mind, tired Us

There is so much uncertainty regarding Younger Child’s mental health, especially since this child has shut us out. Because our tolerance of uncertainty is low, we risk guaranteeing the worst outcome in our relationship—withdrawing, getting angry, using power-over—just to meet our need for order. Finally got to see New-T after T’s two-week holiday. T did …

Goal setting

We started _Peaceful Living _, a Nonviolent Communication daily meditation book (author Mary Mackenzie). January 1 is goal setting, with the parameters of being (1) specific and (2) positively worded (what you want, not what you don’t want). We also revisited important unmet needs of ours so that our goals are aligned with meeting important …

Scarcity obsessions and associated compulsions (OCD)

We are trying to name and notice some of our obsessions and associated rituals. We might try ERP (exposure/response prevention) on our own to free us from some shackles. Here are some: Cleaning The bath towels fit in two piles (side-by-side) in the drawer. We arrange them so that no similar colors come up side …

Be gentle and survive

Trigger warning: we are feeling oppressed and want to say painful things that may trigger those with ptsd We sense that the childhood sexual abuse ruined life for us. Spoiled us like freshly killed meat left to rot. We learned too much, felt sensations too overwhelming for our precious Little selves. It was overload right …

Why don’t things work as intended?

Why don’t products we buy work as they are designed? Food packaging So many packages of food have a tear strip that is supposed to come off and reveal a resealable baggie (like the seams on a sandwich bag): Often these strips won’t tear at all, even at the designated “tear here” location.If they do …

Stress is a choice that takes lots of practice

We went into nature with Older Child all day yesterday. We woke up and hit the road long before sunrise. We birded in a national forest all morning. Birds were scarce; trees were abundant. We saw not a single person or other vehicle all morning on the forest roads. We drove with the windows open …

Brave enough to cook a turkey?

Lots of energy in our house. Feels crowded. At night, we feel oppressed by it, threatened because we think people are scheming against us. They are absolutely not. This is delusion and trauma. It is morning. We are preparing the turkey before we cook it. We can see our lack of compassion to self and …

Time travel, map travel

On a walk with Spouse today, we stopped suddenly. Spouse is used to this: do you need to hold on to me? No, we said. Where are we? We were one block over, about a 3-minute walk from home. We just couldn’t understand what we were seeing. We had no previous perception of this angle …

Doomsday scenarios

COVID is raging in the US. Our local schools reverted to all distance learning this week with no notice. The schools aren’t transmitting infection; the community is. But so many students and staff are getting COVID (from community activities, such as restaurants and social gatherings) that contact tracing is becoming too big a job for …

Disorders, thought distortions, and new therapists

Super depressed. Younger Child’s health struggles are hitting us hard. We are paralyzed with resisting and craving. We continue to feel responsible for most things that happen—especially everything others in our life find unpleasant As Younger Child struggles, our cognitive distortion’s mount: YC will be unhappy forever. We can’t live like this. We have to …

Thank you, T-2, for trying

T-2 is committed to helping us stay alive. We told T-2 if we can make it to Thanksgiving, we can make it until the end of the year because we have something that will uplift us for those 6 weeks. T-2 offered to call a prospective T we found through calling, calling, and calling. This …